Tamsin Vonelle!5tTWT1eydY 2020/04/20(Mon)02:45 No. 962710 ID: 60e191
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"Oh, no," William groans. "That's the king of Ligondia, strutting next to her. Not to mention his guards! It's a whole royal procession."

"Yeah, but who is she?"

"What? I don't know. She's probably the king's daughter."

"An alien princess, huh?" I giggle. "Ooh." I lean in closer, trying to get a better look at her.

"Glad someone's excited." William sighs. "This is going to be a pain. I hate handing out food to royalty. It's so nerve-wracking, and they're always so picky. One wrong move, and I'll be up for execution."

"Well, hey, I could take over for you," I offer, innocently. "Maybe introduce myself, get to know her a little better...?"

Tamsin Vonelle!5tTWT1eydY 2020/04/20(Mon)02:50 No. 962711 ID: 60e191
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"No way in hell, Tamsin."

"William. William. You're doing that thing again."

"What thing?"

"Shitting on my dreams."

"If that's what you call keeping my best friend alive, then sure." William snorts. "You can't fuck the alien princess, Tamsin. Just focus on not getting fired, would you? There are only so many jobs you can lose on this station before you go from getting fired to getting fired out of an airlock."

"But Williaaaaam," I warble, pitifully. "My dreaaaams." I give him my best dying puppy face, lip quivering, the whole nine yards.

"Oh, enough with the – okay, you know what? Fine. If you want to take over for me and hand out the royals' food, you can. Just... nothing extra, alright? No diplomatic incidents."

"Yes!" I pump a fist. "Sure thing, William. You can trust me."

"They'll be getting their table right about now," he mutters. "Go out and take their orders, quick."

Right, I've got my chance! Now... how can I make a move on the princess while taking her order?

You have to think of double entendres, so subtle that they'll slip right past the royal censors.
"Your royal space-highness, would you prefer the rawdog or the clam chowder tonight?"

>William is hissy fitting again
Change the subject.
"Why does management insist on using depleted plasma to light all our signs? They're even more damaging than staring at a strobe light featuring our entire dynasty in a @#$%-train."
>William:Maybe they want us to screw up so they can sue us for not reading the safety guidebook
"I know right?! The guidebook is even worse, how the hell did they legalize selling sheets of poison ivy inked in lead and drenched in beef fat?!"
>William:The signs are fine
"They are NOT fine, my mom swears she got a headache staring at the sign from her phone. If they were fine then why don't we see them in the dining area?"
>William:Get back to work
Ignore him and flirt with the princess when you take her order, to the tune of "Welcome to Pluto Pleasant-Me, how may I take you?"

>>962711
Okay before you make a single goddamn plan you need to make sure that's not the alien queen (or king's great grandmother or something) quickly meshsearch the current Ligondia royalty, filter for articles with pictures.

Server her plate... with panache!

time to do this shit real slick-like, serve them their food in an inconspicuous manner so you don't tip anyone off but make sure to butter up the princess, then leave her your contact on the dessert plate (and if you want to, offer to be her dessert wink wink nudge nudge)

>>962711
You will need to introduce yourself to the table first, which will give you an opportunity to say "hello" to the princess.

Tamsin Vonelle!5tTWT1eydY 2020/04/21(Tue)19:36 No. 962941 ID: 60e191
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>quickly meshsearch the current Ligondia royalty

I don't have time! If I take too long to reach their table, I'll lose my chance entirely!

I strut out into their booth, all style and grace, like a real waitress. I'm actually just a janitor, but hey, how hard can waiting tables be?

The princess looks bored, and the king looks vaguely disgruntled. They're silent when I get there.

"Welcome to the esteemed eatery that is Pluto Peasantry, royal customers." I hand a menu out to the king, giving him a brief little bow. "My name is Tamsin, and I shall be your server today. Please direct any questions or concerns my way."

The king lets out a grunt of acknowledgment. The princess nods politely.

"Well, hello there," I say. I lean in close as I hand the menu to the princess. "How may I take you?"

"What did you say?" she asks, startled. Oh, wow, her voice has a gentle buzzing underneath it when she talks. That's so weird and also hot.

"How may I take your order?" I ask.

"Oh. Er..." she hesitates. "What do you recommend?"

Tamsin Vonelle!5tTWT1eydY 2020/04/21(Tue)19:38 No. 962942 ID: 60e191
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"Well, that depends," I muse. "Do you like rawdogs, cucumbers, that sort of thing? Or are you more of a... clam chowder girl?"

"Uh." She gazes at me with curiosity. "Which do you prefer?

"Oh, clams, oysters, definitely. I prefer my meat layered. You know what I mean, where you have slide your tongue into it, really work your mouth to get the best experience." I grin. "But that's just me. What about you?"

She glances at the king, who's distracted by the menu, but then her eyes return to me. "Well," she murmurs. "I have a... varied appetite. But I've been known to try a clam now and then."

"Is that what you'd like today, then?" I ask, smiling slyly. "I'd be happy to serve it to you."

She looks over the menu, briefly, pointedly examines her fingers. Looks like her species doesn't have fingernails. Fuck yes. "Possibly," she says, thoughtfully. "But, well... you might say I'm a picky eater, and I've never been here before. You'll have to give me time to take in a few appetizers, get to know the level of quality here, before I really decide to dig in."

"Of course," I reply, stepping away from her again.

"You ladies and your food talk," the king mutters. "Always have to make things complicated. Can't you just pick an option and stick with it?"

The princess frowns at him, letting out a brief sigh. The table lapses into silence once again.

I watch from off to the side as she and the king peruse the menu. Once I take their orders, the only other time I'll get a chance to interact with them is when I come back to hand out the food, and then even more briefly when I drop off the check!

This might be the biggest opportunity I have to make my move. Is there any other way I can take advantage of this moment to flirt with the princess, or should I just back off and try again when I hand out their food?

strike while the iron's hot, make a move now and either slip her your number or arrange a meeting later, away from prying eyes

do NOT get caught flirting by those who might be less than amenable

DO wiggle your eyebrows

Flirting achieved. Now make sure you actually take their order before things get awkward. Definitely make sure to leave her your number, but that doesn't have to happen right now.

>>962942
>Once I take their orders, the only other time I'll get a chance to interact with them is when I come back to hand out the food, and then even more briefly when I drop off the check!

Absurd. All good waiters check in to make sure their customers are satisfied at least twice during the... meal.

That said, that's still a precious little amount of interaction, so make the most of it regardless.

You also forgot the all important starting question: "Can I start you with something wet to drink?"

idiom quest fuck yeah

>>962942
Drinks! You forgot their drinks! Another opportunity!

Topics to discuss:
* What does royalty do and what special traits and powers do they have? You're asking because your species was tricked by a conspiracy of evil chancellors into killing all your divinely-chosen royalty ever."
* Ask about the arranged marriages. Does she have her 'consorts' picked out?
* Do any of her duties involve sacrificing herself for the good of Ligondia? Because that would suck.
* Does she have any medical issues or allergies not listed in her species' codex? (Don't ask her father)
* ... Wait a minute, this is a ^&*(ty diner and actual royalty is calmly ordering and treating people who literally call themselves peasants as respectable servants. When is the assassination attempt going to take place and will it involve splash damage.

Use the time you've got. Got any recommendations? Don't worry about ordering too much, our tasty treats are always available to take home and eat out.

Tamsin Vonelle!5tTWT1eydY 2020/05/01(Fri)21:34 No. 964604 ID: 6b8b86
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>Absurd. All good waiters check in to make sure their customers are satisfied at least twice during the... meal.

Ooh, yeah! I wouldn't want to be known for poor... service.

>Drinks! You forgot their drinks! Another opportunity!

Ah! Of course!

"Can I start you off with something wet to drink?" I ask, smiling. "Exactly how thirsty would you say you are?"

"Very," the king grunts.

"I admit, I haven't had a drink in a while," the princess says, neutrally. "But let's take it easy. Perhaps it's best to start off with something light?"

I nod energetically, and jot down their orders as they give them to me. In a flash, I'm off to the kitchen and back again, with the two drinks on a circular tray. "Here you are," I say, with a stylish half-bow and a wiggle of my eyebrows at the princess. "Now, the check won't come until after the meal, but I could give you a number right–"

Tamsin Vonelle!5tTWT1eydY 2020/05/01(Fri)21:36 No. 964605 ID: 6b8b86
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wait

WAIT

NO NO NO THIS WAS GOING SO WELL

It's like I'm in slow motion, watching the tray slide out of my hand, and the drinks start to fall towards me. There's no stopping them now! And right in front of the princess, too!

The best I can do is try to twist around, and maybe make the drinks fall somewhere else. But where? Is there still some way I can salvage this?!

Just chuck them at a rando and say you noticed they were expired.

kill two birds with one spilled drink
twist such that the drinks spill onto yourself and not anyone or anything you want to preserve from the spillage
now you have an excuse to strip
just as planned

>>964605
your own face seems like a wonderful landing place "just adding a bit of zest to your meal your majesty, my lady." *eyebrow wink*

Direct the drinks towards yourself. You'll probably end up falling and end up sopping wet at the princesses feet though

Facetank the hit. Added benefit is, it will put the platter between the drinks and them.

do not, DO NOT, allow for the drinks to hit either the princess or her father.
it'd be best if it hits the floor, really. if you have to hit anyone, hit William.

Consider for a second allowing the drinks to hit the princess so you have an excuse to get her away from her father. Think better if it but too late to stop it from hitting at least two of the three of you.

Triage, focus on saving the King's drink. Apologize immediately, but do NOT tolerate any criminal charges based solely on "accidentally destroyed decadent luxury".

>>964605
let them fall on you, play it off as comedy and a routine you sometimes do

>>964605
Catch the fine cup with your mouth. Prove oral dexterity

Tamsin Vonelle!5tTWT1eydY 2024/02/20(Tue)01:38 No. 1083780 ID: 5c6ead
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>let them fall on you
>Direct the drinks towards yourself.
>twist such that the drinks spill onto yourself
>your own face seems like a wonderful landing place

What?! Uh, yeah! Okay! Sure!

>Catch the fine cup with your mouth.

I try, but it just hits my nose. Ow.

The drinks go all over me, soaking deep into my hair. Luckily the uniform at Pluto Peasantry™ is resistant to most liquids, because I’m pretty sure I smell radioactive material in the drinks and that’s probably not good for me.

“Haha! Just adding a bit of zest to your meal, your majesties!” I say, trying not to let any of the Definitely Scary Liquid into my mouth. “Just a little comedy routine we do here at Pluto Peasantry™!”

“Well, it was good while it lasted…” The princess sighs.

“What was good while it lasted?” I ask. “Because, hey, uh, I can last all-”

Tamsin Vonelle!5tTWT1eydY 2024/02/20(Tue)01:39 No. 1083781 ID: 5c6ead
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“This is unforgivable,” the King booms, standing. Whoa, was he always that tall? “I have tolerated your antics up to this point. Your patently obvious flirting, your lack of decorum. I tolerate these things because I understand that my wife has needs beyond myself, and ours is an open royal marriage, but I will not sit idly by and watch you waste perfectly good refreshments on your ignoble crusade to get into my wife’s bed!”

“Your wife?” I squeak, terrified. “I thought she was the princess!”

> Okay before you make a single goddamn plan you need to make sure that's not the alien queen (or king's great grandmother or something)

OH DAMN I REALLY SHOULD HAVE LISTENED OH GEEZ

“Oh, that’s sweet of you to say,” the Queen says, with a little laugh. “But you mean that genuinely, don’t you? Oh, you are adorable. Zovin, must you-?”

“She spilled my refreshments, dearest. I will not tolerate such an offense against our authority.”

“A pity. Maybe we can try this again if you ever get out, dear.” The Queen waves loftily at me.

“Get out of where?” I ask.

Tamsin Vonelle!5tTWT1eydY 2024/02/20(Tue)01:40 No. 1083782 ID: 5c6ead
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So I’m in jail now.

Along with William, who I think is being charged as an accomplice.

>do NOT tolerate any criminal charges based solely on "accidentally destroyed decadent luxury".

“I’m super super sorry,” I mumble.

William gives me his signature look of disappointment and disgust. I hate when he does that.

“How much more do I need to apologize, William? Please, stop with the silent treatment. I don’t know how long we’ll be in here,” I say. “I genuinely had no idea it was the Queen!”

“I can’t believe your ridiculous obsession is ruining my life,” he hisses.

“I wouldn’t call it an obsession…” I mutter.

“Tamsin, look at where we are! This is high security! They didn’t even tell us what crimes we’re in here for! We could be executed!”

“Maybe, but-”

“I SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU NOT TO HIT ON ROYALTY, TAMSIN. AND YOU DID IT. BECAUSE IT’S AN OBSESSION.”

“William, you don’t get it,” I say. “I need to romance a princess to break the curse!”

“Tamsin,” William groans. “Curses aren’t real. You fucking idiot.”

Tamsin Vonelle!5tTWT1eydY 2024/02/20(Tue)01:42 No. 1083783 ID: 5c6ead
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“But they are! I swear, thousands of years ago, my entire bloodline got cursed,” I explain. “See, an ancient ancestor of mine got together with a princess, despite her being a peasant…”

“Good for her,” William says. I don’t think he actually feels that way, though, based on how he says it.

“Sure, but bad for me! The princess’s father was so furious that he ordered the court wizard to curse my ancestor’s entire bloodline with bad luck! As far as I know, the only way to break the curse is to, uh, romance royalty.”

“Guess you’re fucked, then,” William says.

“I wish.”

“Tamsin, you’re the most romantically inept person I’ve ever met. You couldn’t hit on the broad side of a space barn.”

“I tried that once,” I admit. “I drew a princess on the side of my family barn, and tried to practice my moves.”

“Are you serious right now?”

“Yeah. The barn fell on me and broke my leg.”

William lets out a sharp, mean laugh, then turns and looks away from me. Back to the silent treatment.

This sucks. Also, I just realized we’re not alone in here. I don’t know prison etiquette… Should I say hi, or threaten them, or something? Also, what am I supposed to do now? I don’t want to get executed!

>>1083783
Okay, start small. Practice your non-royalty flirting. Compliment their... limbs.

Well they heard most of your story so ask if they'd like to give you theirs.

Hm...
Would you say it would be... extremely unlucky if the cuffs were to spontaneously BSOD while a guard was nearby and your charges got increased to "resisting arrest"?

>>1083783
As cool as you can,
"Hey"
Look nonplussed by the situation.
A old hand, used to cells, not a fresh fish for the sharks.

Also, this king looks like the kind of arsehole to lock people up for breathing wrong.
You have a good chance hes got a princess locked up here.
Hell, THAT weird looking thing could be a princess.

Any thrones a bone, huh?
Wait.
Any crown then going down?
Nah.
If shes noble im down to gobble?
Dads a king I'll do my thing?
A crown on her head were going to bed.

Ah, fuck it.
There might be regal ladies seeking love in YOUR area!

Tamsin Vonelle!5tTWT1eydY 2024/02/20(Tue)06:25 No. 1083792 ID: 5c6ead
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>Would you say it would be... extremely unlucky if the cuffs were to spontaneously BSOD while a guard was nearby and your charges got increased to "resisting arrest"?

The curse is more like a spiraling effect. I don’t know if it causes things out of nowhere, exactly. In my experience, it’s more like the curse hooks onto my own mistakes and amplifies them. Things don’t just ‘go wrong’ when I screw up. They catastrophize.

Like, back at one of my old jobs, I tripped over a broom, right?

Two guys ended up dead.

Rest in peace, Jimbo and Spence. Best airlock cleaners on the station, and died doing what they loved.

>Okay, start small. Practice your non-royalty flirting.
>Look nonplussed by the situation. A old hand, used to cells, not a fresh fish for the sharks.
>Well they heard most of your story so ask if they'd like to give you theirs.

“Hey,” I say to the stranger. I try to give off a good impression of maturity and experience. “This your first time in jail?”

No response. Man, those eyes peer right into your soul.

Tamsin Vonelle!5tTWT1eydY 2024/02/20(Tue)06:25 No. 1083793 ID: 5c6ead
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“Uh… I really like your…” What are those things even? “Your limbs? They’re pretty cool. Little wrigglers. Wiggle wiggle.”

Nothing.

“Say, you wouldn’t happen to be a princess, would you?”

Not a peep out of them.

“You’re a really good listener, you know that?” I say. “You’ve already heard me talk about my stuff. How I’m cursed, and all. I’d love to hear your story.”

Tamsin Vonelle!5tTWT1eydY 2024/02/20(Tue)06:26 No. 1083794 ID: 5c6ead
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One of their limbs shoots out from across the room and clamps itself around my throat.

ummmmm????

>>1083794
"Harder"

>>1083794
>>1083795
"harder mommy"
Royals LOVE formality and we can't discount the chance shes royal enough.

Plus, if you act into it they might be creeped out enough to let go.
I mean, unless you ARE into it then, uh...
Score?

This must be how they communicate! Are they squeezing in some sort of Morse code? Perhaps the bumps on their tentacles are some sort of braille?

I think this is hinting that you should be quiet, so try doing that.

Why aren't they restrained like you are, though?

>>1083888
It's possibility a guard bot and with you're luck you're paroled officer.

Make a big show of being strangled. With a bit of luck the guards will come in to break up the fight and you'll get a chance to make... SOME kinda move. At the very least the guard might save your life.

Tamsin Vonelle!5tTWT1eydY 2024/03/11(Mon)21:56 No. 1086181 ID: 1e0d50
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>"harder mommy"

“Uhh…” Is this how flirting works? Is this success?! “Harder? Yeah, harder, uh… Mommy? Daddy? Er… androgyn-y?”

Oh, drat! I’m terrible at determining alien gender! It’s gotten me into a lot of trouble over the years.

>I think this is hinting that you should be quiet, so try doing that.

Sorry! I talk when I’m nervous!

“Hey, why aren’t you restrained like I-” My sentence gets interrupted as my flow of air stutters and stalls. I can’t speak anymore!

As my flirtmate and/or potential murderer’s limbs tighten around my windpipe, I try to look for pattern. The only pattern is that it’s hard to breathe and I feel like I’m dying, so I don’t think this is communication…

At least, until the limbs squiggle and squeeze at my throat in a weird way, like some sort of ridiculously rapid high-pressure massage, causing my desperate gasping for breath to warble in a way that produces audible speech.

Tamsin Vonelle!5tTWT1eydY 2024/03/11(Mon)21:58 No. 1086182 ID: 1e0d50
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“Greetings,” my throat warbles out. “I’m pleased to meet you. Call me Gkh’gkh.” ow ow ow this really hurts “It is merely a nickname, but to introduce myself properly and give you my full name would require the use of an artificial voicebox, as my species lacks vocalization organs and I’m not sure how to pronounce it using yours.”

“What are you on about now, Tamsin?” William asks, looking over for the first time. He sees me getting strangled and pauses, his angry expression softening into confusion. “Oh.” He scratches his chin, apparently unsure of what to do here.

You and me both, William!

“I apologize for having to utilize this rather primitive method of communicating with a vocalizing species, but my artificial voicebox was stolen from me,” my borrowed throat gargles on. “I attempted to ask for help recovering it, but I’m afraid my efforts to engage in this form of speech were mistaken for acts of violence, and I was imprisoned here.”

This really hurts!

“You’re very well-spoken,” muses William.

“Thank you,” Gkh’gkh says, via usual medium of my own aching throat. “I am a diplomatic ambassador. Eloquence and familiarity with high space society’s sesquipedalian prolixity is, of course, a necessity.”

I tug weakly at their limb, because every syllable is tearing at my throat and I would really like this to stop now, but also I don’t want to hurt them. Too bad I can’t say anything. Ow!

“Ah, yes. Tamsin, I’m sorry to hear about your strange belief that you are cursed, as you seem kindly and gentle,” Gkh’gkh continues. “While I appreciate what I can only surmise to be your amateur attempts at flirting, I regret to inform you that I am not royalty, as my people do not believe in such forms of hierarchy, and do not have genetic lineage regardless. We reproduce through parthenogenesis. My apologies, and I wish you luck in finding a romantic partner.”

With that, they finally let go of my throat. I’m free!

“Shorter… sentences…” I say, voice huskier and scratchier than it’s ever been in my life. “Please.”

Gkh’gkh nods thoughtfully, retracting their limbs back under their cloak.

Tamsin Vonelle!5tTWT1eydY 2024/03/11(Mon)22:00 No. 1086183 ID: 1e0d50
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>Make a big show of being strangled. With a bit of luck the guards will come in to break up the fight and you'll get a chance to make... SOME kinda move.

“Hey, guard,” I grumble, when I feel good enough to talk again. “Did you not notice me being, y'know, strangled?”

“Yeah,” the guard says, cheerfully. “It was pretty entertaining!”

“Hey!” I snap. “We’re prisoners, but we’re still sapient! Don’t you have a responsibility to make sure we don’t die or whatever?”

“You lived,” she replies. “What’s the problem?”

“I could’ve died!”

“I’m going to level with you; it’s my first day,” the guard admits. “They haven’t taught me how to break up prison fights yet. You’re kind of putting a lot of pressure on me here!”

I stare at her.

“Also, I don’t entirely understand your biology, so I thought the choking was maybe just something humans do,” she says. “Your arrival was pretty fast, and I didn’t have time to read up on your species. You’re not dying or diseased or missing any necessary organs, right? Oh, do you breathe diatomic oxygen gas or do you take perflubron shots? Just let me know if you need anything special to not die!”

Great.

>>1086183
Oh dear, tell them you do need diatomic oxygen gas to survive. Your preferred air source is a mix of 80% nitrogen gas and 20% oxygen gas. Diatomic for both.

Uh, make sure the ambassador gets a balloon and bellows, so they don't need to commit assault whenever they want to talk.

You're allergic to bee stings, you need chocolate and finally your health will decline if you don't walk in a larger space at least twice a day. Also an unchaste hug would be nice, but isn't strictly needed.

Also your friend here needs an artificial translator.

Wait I have an idea
Ask for 100% oxygen, then get your restaurant-assigned matchbook and throw a lit match at whatever she pumps in
The idiot won't realize what she's doing until it's too late

>>1086193
That sounds like a good way to self-immolate. Pure oxygen isn't explosive, it just makes fire go really fast.

>>1086183
Tell him you require sexual congress with a female of direct royal succession.
Kinda like a weasel with an extreme allergy to paupers.

Thats not gonna work. Dammit.

Okay, maybe clutch your neck and slump forward,.,like your windpipe is damaged.
Choking noises for effect.
Your voice already sounds off.

The guard is new and hopefully naive enough to buy it.

>>1086187
Yeah. Some kind or artificial voicebox.
Or maybe writing implements?

How about a digital tablet? Tons of those have assistive communication and translator thingies on them.