what's wrong?

Cmdr James Misjizdran Misfortune 2011/06/04(Sat)19:51 No. 309136 ID: 15b51b
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Me and the crew had our last few letters of marque revoked after we (allegedly) stole a shipment of META-PLATINUM and RED STARDUST, a substance that's supposed to let you tell the future, but actually only makes you think you can tell the future, and then used them in a complex scheme involving the Sklandrikian black market, which eventually culminated in blowing most of the money on explosives, taking most of the drugs, and conducting a high speed vehicle chase through a dense metropolitan area.

We eventually got new papers from the COMMONWEALTH OF DEMOCRATIC POLITIES, which means we're definitely not pirates and the Galactic Patrol can't attack us on sight, but there's a clause in there which means we have to respond to distress calls, which happens every FIVE FUCKING SECONDS. It's like that guy who tags every single email high priority and then types in all caps, except we'll get arrested if we ignore too many of them.

Okay, so the COROT-B-III ASTEROID COLONY that mines for vital TZO CRYSTALS. They need a supply of special DRILL BITS made of ultra-durable material with certain harmonic properties or else harvesting the material becomes extremely dangerous.

The Zelnick is equipped with some industrial fabricators and a MAD SCIENCE LAB that DOCTOR MULFADRIUS left behind. Up until a few months ago, he'd been renting a compartment we weren't using, but grew infuriated when I wanted to start charging him for sensor data (scanners don't exactly have a MTBF of a million years) and stormed off into a teleport chamber/dimensional gate/disintegrator/???. Combined with the various EXOTIC MATERIALS we keep in stock, we might be able to piece something together. Or accidentally blow up the ship or set loose a bunch of robots or something. There's a reason we haven't torn that shit down yet.

Alternatively, we just go fly to some planet. I'm sure there's plenty that have what we're looking for. I could have Lt Cmdr Liu put together some candidates.

Flying to some planet sounds great.

still got those scellor you picked up? maybe one of them has a psychic skill that can help.

Tell Lt Cmdr Liu to take care of finding a suitable planet while you lean back all the way in your chair and start loafing.

>>309136
Admire the no loafing sign and remember to not loaf.

>>309136

Someone is obviously loafing in the back there.

FIX THIS.

That's why you read the contract before you sign it, Commander. Rescue clauses and escape clauses and I bet they even have something in there about not blowing up planets or interfering with the development of primitive species even if they, like, have some naive flora that's like super-marijuana but also gives you z-ray vision or something.

Get that list of travel spots, why don't you? If they're all lame you can try out the mad science lab instead.

By the way, can you talk a little bit more about the Zelnick?

Cmdr James Misjizdran Misfortune 2011/06/04(Sat)22:02 No. 309155 ID: 15b51b
File 130725011982.jpg - (127.53KB , 600x600 , New canvas2.jpg )

>Someone is obviously loafing in the back there. FIX THIS.
That's Lt Cmdr Tla, our logistics officer. (Which is like a quartermaster except less important-sounding) He keeps track of our money and supplies and the giant stacks of materials and quest items we've got in the cargo bays. Which means he's like the one person aboard (other than the current pilot, Lt Gol, and maybe chief of security Lt Cmdr Juraj Throwsbarrels) who actually has something important to be doing right now, so I express some disapproval.

>still got those scellor you picked up?
One left, but the other, 'Ensign' Alera, decided to join the crew. By the time I got bored of figured out she didn't really have any pirate privateer skills, she had so much blackmail on us that we can't afford to get rid of her. And we can't even maroon her or kill her off because she'd reincarnate.

No big deal, I guess. The ship's 140 meters long and is highly automated, so our 36 crewpersons rattle around like pennies.

>That's why you read the contract before you sign it
YES THANK YOU
>By the way, can you talk a little bit more about the Zelnick?
Uh. 141 meters, technically. 15,800 tons, equipped with a rare PLANAR HYPERDRIVE which allows us to get around without having to worry about FTL jump lanes. It's really convenient aside from the odd HYPERSPACE BEAST. Lots of speed and some decent weapons.

Also carries a DRONE BAY and my SECOND COUSIN SLENT, a Valcien.

Cmdr James Misjizdran Misfortune 2011/06/04(Sat)22:03 No. 309156 ID: 15b51b
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Okay, Lt Cmdr Liu finished plotting out promising leads for material of the required properties. Here's a map.

None of those nebulas are ... particularly charted. Nebulo has a pretty significant population, I think. Nebulas are usually good for finding weird materials.

The question marks are emitting some exotic energy readings (Liu assures me that swirly one is not a black hole), and are good candidates even though we don't know what the fuck they are.

There's also DECIBEL PRIME, PLANET OF HEAVY METAL, for obvious reasons, the COLOSSAL ORB OF INFINITE PSYCHE which is all about weird resonating, and POLYSYLLABICUS EIGHT, THE WORD PLANET where you can supposedly find anything by hitting ctrl-f enough times.

There's also some other systems we didn't highlight, including, EARTH PRIME, some planetless stars, and the GREATER NORTH KOREAN ULTIMATE PROSPERITY SPHERE.

We don't want to go there.

okay let's stop over at POLYSYLLABICUS EIGHT and find how to manufacture drillbits with that thing in your ship.

Isn't Earth Prime pretty well tapped out when it comes to exotics by now? Unless you were there to (ha!) buy stuff.

My vote is for the swirly purple thing that is definitely not a black hole. If you get sucked into some weird nega-verse you also have a totally legitimate excuse for not responding to the distress call promptly.

Can you take a quick peek at the mad science lab while you're on the way to wherever?

>>309156
Let's go to the non-swirly ???!

>chapter 37
HOLY! how did I not see them before?
>Links
what? First one is "chapter ???", and http://??? thats not a link... and its not in the wiki... and then, is that a giant crossover discussion thing? So, there aren't actually 36 previous chapters to read then? this just references some crazy (AWESOME) quesdis and inside jokes? (I am ok with it if it is).

Votan for Korean Ultimate Prosperity Sphere. It sounds legit, guys.

Go to the magenta ??? !

Man fuck the distress call. They can rescue themselves if they're so high and mighty, with their stupid red star.

Set sail for the question marks.

Time to explore the ???s, go where no tozvryxien's gone before!

Right, right, okay, right.

First, un-peep at Tla because he is clearly just researching new ways for you to seduce people.

Secondly, I vote for the GREATER NORTH KOREAN ULTIMATE PROSPERITY SPHERE, and while you're en route you can go chat with Slent.

Also, any Tozols on board?

>>309156

Colossal orb of infiníte psyche Blarbh. stay away from the scientists.

>>309156

Colossal orb of infiníte psyche Blarbh. stay away from the scientists.

Cmdr James Misjizdran Misfortune 2011/06/05(Sun)02:14 No. 309181 ID: 15b51b
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>POLYSYLLABICUS EIGHT
>while you're en route you can go chat with Slent
Our ship is crazy fast so the trip takes less than two days. Still, suggestions about what to do during downtime are handy.

Maybe not that one, though. Slent is a weirdo, but I promised grandpa I'd get him a job.

Once we arrive, I take a shuttle down with Liu and Juraj (three being the time-honored away team size) to investigate.

...

Yeah this was kind of a bad idea.

I'm not made out of saccades.

>>309186
Go down yourself! Get some awesome commando action going. Though I guess that's par for the course for you.

PWN THAT SHIT by which I mean go fly in and shut down the defense spell (by seducing whomever is casting it)

Cmdr James Misjizdran Misfortune 2011/06/05(Sun)02:46 No. 309191 ID: 15b51b
File 130726714876.jpg - (71.13KB , 600x600 , New canvas5.jpg )

>GREATER NORTH KOREAN ULTIMATE PROSPERITY SPHERE
Can we not do that?
>Also, any Tozols on board?
Nope. We do have a Snikt and three Mountain Lazuhreks, though!
And me, of course. I am completely awesome.
>Go to the magenta ??? !
We happen across a nondescript solar system containing an earthlike planet which was the source of the exotic energy we detected.

As we approach, the source grows stronger, and then shoots a GIGANTIC FUCKING BEAM WEAPON at us, overwhelming our shields!

We're pushed back, and the Zelnick is damaged, but we seem to be out of danger as long as we steer clear of the planet proper. There were a few injuries, but Dr George Alphabet (I can barely remember the hex in my last name, much less the mechanoid's) can patch us up fine.

Liu says the weapon's profile, specifically how it there was no actual weapon as near as she can tell, is consistent with a STRATEGIC MAGICAL PLANETARY DEFENSE SPELL. We can't bring the ship down, and sending a shuttle is too risky because it won't be able to survive a blast like that. We can also send drones, which might be small and quick enough to avoid it, but those things don't cost a dollar.

The only people we can send down are the natural fliers, which means Slent, ENSIGN GLITTERBOLT, or me. Plus whoever we/they can carry.

We've got a few days before CHIEF ENGINEER MYREL can get us back to fighting trim. We try to avoid FTL otherwise, in case of hyperspace beasts.

Magic is something none of us have experience with. Except maybe the snikt, WAK. Nevertheless, I'm inclined to just fly down myself and try to shut down the defense spell, which is centered on a SAVANNAH deep upcountry, or try to find the material (but how do I carry lots of it into orbit?); maybe with a small away team.

But, y'know, whatever you guys think I should do. Unless it's terrible.

Take the Snikt in your arms and fly down there to fuck shit up.

Cmdr James Misjizdran Misfortune 2011/06/05(Sun)03:56 No. 309196 ID: 15b51b
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Okay, so I'm leaning towards heading down myself. We need to think about where I'm going to land, who I'll bring in total, and what I'll try to do once I'm there. Maybe go for the source of the beam. Maybe try scanning for other stuff. Maybe do some longer-endurance scouting. Which may or may not be a euphemism.

But first, I need an OUTFIT!

I have a big personal armory and a huge wardrobe. I should be able to put together any needed and most unneeded outfits.

I also need to pick some kind of weapon and special equipment. Or go unarmed. Relatively unarmed. I mean, I can still shoot beam cannons. That's still a thing I do.

>>309192
second this

Personally I'd say you don't need clothes~

But then, the locals might not think you're as fabulous as some.

>>309204
Oh my God...

YES

>>309204
Diamond doesn't make all that great armor, actually. Harness refers to scratch resistance rather than impact resistance. This means that they do make extremely good drills or chainsaw chains though. (Though I suppose you could say Space-Diamond is reinforced with other things like fullerene [conveniently also made of carbon] rather than being pure diamond.)

Suggestion 2011/06/05(Sun)07:14 No. 309215 ID: 4de44e
File 130728327164.png - (142.05KB , 575x575 , Combatready.png )

Okay, so, put a fishbowl on Wak's head if he needs to breathe or something and eject yourself out to vacuum and fly near-ish to the big huge fucking laser, inside the jungle.
After that you'll smear yourself with mud and STEALTH that bitch.

Suggestion 2011/06/05(Sun)08:41 No. 309226 ID: 2563d4
File 130728850830.png - (45.08KB , 575x575 , arcane-peep-peep-peep-peep.png )

>>309215
>mud
>fabulous dress
nope.avi

>>309196
>Going down on a quest to sort out a magical thingy
>I mean, I can still shoot beam cannons. That's still a thing I do.

Suggestion 2011/06/05(Sun)09:51 No. 309231 ID: 2563d4
File 130729266920.png - (137.06KB , 575x575 , cadburys.png )

>>309226
No, wait, you're going on an adventure. That silly robe isn't practical at all.

This is a far more sensible getup. Decades of experience have shown that the bikini is the most powerful armour pattern known to fictional (wo)man; the exploits of Dr Jones demonstrate that the whip is the most useful combined weapon and tool; and a pair of handcuffs are essential should it be necessary to restrain any opposition that we don't want to outright kill. It also provides stylish yet protective gloves for any heavy-duty electrical work and a specially crafted peril-sensitive mask to protect against memetic or other psychological hazards. Truly, it is the only pragmatic choice.

>>309226
Obviously it's SPACE FABRIC, self-cleaning when necessary.

Can you communicate with WAK? If not I don't see what good bringing him/her/it along will do. Fly down with Glitterbolt, Liu, and maybe the Snikt. You're taking down the planetary defenses!

Θ][Σ!TarDIs2HQE 2011/06/05(Sun)10:52 No. 309242 ID: dad664
File 130729637103.jpg - (107.15KB , 575x575 , as22444.jpg )

Something something power armor something magrail gun something something sonic screwdriver.

>>309242
Thiiiis.

Suggestion 2011/06/05(Sun)11:57 No. 309261 ID: 1854db
File 130730027518.png - (94.39KB , 575x575 , pompajames.png )

>>309196
This outfit requires some hair dye and styling gel. Hope you don't mind!

I'm going to keep doing this and nobody can stop me! Muwahahaha!

>>309231

Proper space-faring attire. I vote for this

Suggestion 2011/06/05(Sun)14:03 No. 309295 ID: ce4a4d
File 130730778457.png - (121.50KB , 575x575 , greaser-v2.png )

>>309261
You forgot things.

Have one of my own in a while, maybe

Suggestion 2011/06/05(Sun)14:08 No. 309299 ID: 049dfa
File 130730808684.png - (183.49KB , 575x575 , TekkamanPeep.png )

This is my totally legitimate outfit suggestion

>>309299
>>309299
>>309299
>>309299
>>309299
>>309299
>>309299
>>309299
>>309299

>>309295
Oooh damn, the commander's a Dapper Dan man.

>>309299
This is pretty much the most legitimate armor you could wear. You especially want that peep-lance for peep-fighting in close range, and for peep-stabbing defensive spells.

>>309295
Shit you're right. I suck.

>>309295
ahahahaha or this

Θ][Σ!TarDIs2HQE 2011/06/05(Sun)15:17 No. 309319 ID: dad664
File 130731226653.jpg - (92.26KB , 575x575 , SPAH.jpg )

Mentlegen.

(Hooray for experimenting with painting stuff)

>>309231

This all the way <3

Ñ 2011/06/06(Mon)00:03 No. 309481 ID: ce4a4d
File 130734382859.png - (308.96KB , 600x750 , Mizjizdran adventuring gear.png )

I couldn't think of anything original, so I just threw things together.

>>309481
Isn't that the heart of the quest tho?

Cruxador 2011/06/06(Mon)02:04 No. 309489 ID: f5fe2f
File 130735106641.jpg - (33.98KB , 575x575 , duck.jpg )

Obviously, there's the basic shit. We need combat armor, a melee weapon, and a ranged weapon. See accompanying diagram.

This mission has special requirements, though. We're going to have to fuck magic in the savanna. Thus we must bring the duck.

>>309481
Finally, an outfit perfect for the Commander.

>>309481
This is actually pretty damn good.

>>309489
why would a male wear a dildo over their very real penis?
>>309481
Fourthing that one.

>>309531
Who said that's a dildo? He just painted his dick black.

>>309531
>>309534
what? who told you the commander is male?

>>309551
Check the links in the first post. The commander is a very pretty male. And no, he isn't gay or transgender or anything.

dogmeat 2011/06/06(Mon)13:42 No. 309587 ID: 3b202e
File 130739293172.jpg - (129.60KB , 600x450 , Male_and_female_pheasant.jpg )

>>309551
you cannot into birds I guess

think peacocks, the dudes have those giant pretty tails, while the girls are brown.

>>309531
For the same reason a female would wear molded boobplate over her real boobs.

>>309531
Because putting a laser in your dong normally requires cybernetics and impedes function.
A giant prosthesis that shoots lasers would be in such horrendously bad taste that no one would expect it.

>>309559
but you are supposed to THINK she is a girl, obv.

mmm, you know, in retrospect reading through previous threads I think the commander might be bi.

Suggestion 2011/06/06(Mon)20:11 No. 309984 ID: 91cf74
File 130741629289.jpg - (34.69KB , 575x575 , Captain_Peep.jpg )

You're the commander of your own ship right? What you need is your own formal captain's uniform!*

*Note: Hook and pegleg optionable

(sorry that its in crappy MS paint, but you get the idea)

Suggestion 2011/06/07(Tue)14:45 No. 310346 ID: 9b6c31
File 130748310498.png - (82.75KB , 629x585 , STEVE_CAPTAIN.png )

>>309201
You call that a Steve-outfit?

>>310346
I have been outsteved. I had this huge thing on why stevism is the best thing ever and also he has misplaced his genitals so there are new genitals for him, but then the website ate it. Five times.

>>310346
Sweet mother of God...
...
So much STEVE.

>>310346

I approve.

>>310346

Peep.-

>>310346
this isn't an outfit, its a war crime!
I am down-voting it....

>>310346
Yes. This forever

>>310346
Only legitimate choice.

NO HAVE YOU ALL GONE MAD CHOOSE THIS:
>>309481

>>311657
I am also switching my vote to this.

>>311657
more like this:
>>309231

>>311657
Well yeah but I didn't think we were really voting here.

>>311657
Yeah this one.

Cmdr James Misjizdran Misfortune 2011/09/11(Sun)10:39 No. 347608 ID: b79855
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>Like fifty outfits
Looks like we'll be bringing a bit of luggage.

>>309299
>Robot suit which Test Pattern absolutely will not be able to draw right
I store this in my TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE costume slot, which I definitely have had all along.

>>309204
>SEXUAL ENERGY CORE
Never again...

>>309481
Yes. This is clearly the best one.

Alright. I head down to the planet with Wak and Glitterbolt. We land as close to the SOURCE OF THE MYSTERIOUS BEAM as I think is safe. It came from some mountain near the edge of this big savannah full of tall grass.

"Hey, you know about WIZARD PLANETS and stuff, right?" I ask Wak.

"Wak wak wak wak wak. Wak wak," he or she says.

"Yeah I didn't get a word of that," I reply.

Glitterbolt says we should try making some friends before we try confronting any evil wizards. Also that my dress looks much too formal. Also that it's complete bullshit that she has to carry all my crap.

I don't know about plan-befriend-smelly-locals. I mean, the WIZARD FORT OR SOME SHIT is just over the horizon. We can head right there. I've got these zapguns and stuff, and Wak is... probably fond of us?

Glitterbolt reminds me we're here to find special magic materials, not fight anyone. I repeat her words in a a higher tone of voice while bobbing my head from side to side.

Shoot one of those fucking trees. They're looking at you funny.

Clearly Wak is expressing his or her deepest feelings of affection or resentment towards you. As is the way of the magical creatures of the universe, they respond well to displays of force. This given, beam cannon the ground near Wak's feet.

If Wak dodges, it probably means the resentment. If he or she bathes in your freaky beakbeam, well, I'm sure you're used to dealing with amorous creatures of all shapes and sizes now. Just go with the standard procedure you use in these situations.

Yeah, just, start going toward the wizard fort. If there will be locals on the way you'd befriend them or shoot them or whatever. No reason to go out of your way.

Anyway, your dress if fucking fantastic and Glitterbolt is full of shit. Let her know that.

>>347608
All right, let's see. Technically, you're here for rare and exotic materials for use in drill bits or some boring shit like that?
Inform your surly subordinate that the best source of exotic materials like that is as the focal point of some giant spell, such as a planetary defense beam weapon. Ask Wak for confirmation on this one, and then nod like he just agreed with you.

So the plan is basically to fly in and zap some hostiles, grab the giant crystal that is the keystone to the spell, and then stroll away from the ensuing explosion. Remember that looking back is a job for LIEUTENANT Commanders.

>>347617
This.

>>347608
You know what the best place would be to find magical shit and stuff? A fucking wizards tower. So lets get out looting faces on and pay them a visit.

>>347617

So basically, shoot everything and if it doesn't break it's probably what you're looking for.

>>347617

Do some research on the local biology. There's a slight chance that some exotic beast would be capable of producing some sort of "silk" or "ivory" as an exotic product too. That might be valuable to some collectors or better, exotic material traders. Might give access to some more valuable materials or more durable stuff than just being exotic.

Cmdr James Misjizdran Misfortune 2011/10/01(Sat)01:13 No. 354470 ID: b79855
File 131745683875.jpg - (103.63KB , 700x700 , mount_and_blade_reference.jpg )

We happen across a RUSTIC VILLAGE of MONGOOSE FOLK.

We quickly find a guy in charge. He doesn't look too happy to see me. On the bright side, this means he probably doesn't want me to kill ten of something and bring back their pelts for an experience reward.

"Greetings, uh, honored madame sorceress," he says. "Welcome to our most humble town of Harxest. I wish you the most heartfelt of goodwill and beseech you most humbly and with all possible filial-"

"I'm not here to kill you."

"Ohthankgod," he says, letting out a breath. "So I guess you're going to meet Kadira, or what? Cause she's probably going to blow you up. That's basically her deal. Especially lately. Some assassins tried to steal the Sunspear Diamond."

>>354470
SUNSPEAR DIAMOND!? That sounds like it may be a special magic material. Let's go fuck shit up.

I mean, let's go meet Kadira. Ask for more information about her. Like, perhaps, what would make her not blow you up long enough to get a few words in edgewise.

1. Find Kadira
2. Fuck her into submission
3. Take both her and the SUNSPEAR DIAMOND back to your ship
4. ORGY!

If this fucker tells you that bandits have scared off the village's cattle and he'd like you to get six more so they can start anew, you tell him to go fuck himself.

>>354470
So, like, does this Kadira chick have any super special weaknesses to something stupid like water or especially cool breezes or what? Or is this village completely useless?

Make sure Glitterbolt doesn't run off with one of the local stallions. You know how she is.

>>354470
Ask where you could find this Kadria and if she's hot.

"Madame sorceress?" That ain't true. Obviously you need to demonstrate.

When he recovers from his shock let him know that you're not an assassin, you're just there to destroy her wizard fort and steal the Sunspear Diamond and maybe some other shit that looks valuable or at least shiny. Obviously they can get behind this plan, so ask them what support they'll offer.

Also, ask about Kadira's favorite flowers. Plan A is seduction.