Nobody 2014/02/06(Thu)15:36 No. 561204 ID: 431163
File 139172979506.png - (14.01KB , 1100x750 , 1.png )

You are a phasebear. It has been a long winter hibernation, but it is time to wake up for the summer. You are absolutely famished, or at least not as fat as you should be.

You may do what all phasebears may do, which includes:

*Wander Aimlessly
*Growl and roar
*Maul and kill
*Look for lady phasebears
*Jump through time and space
*Forage for berries

What shall you do first?

Find berries. Eat berries. Jump through time/space to repeat.

well, is the nourishment from simple berries enough to maintain the phasing? I'd think that would require something more substantial

either way, why not go out and Maul and Kill some ethereal bunnies?

What's bear-future like?

Nobody 2014/02/06(Thu)16:06 No. 561212 ID: 431163
File 139173158397.png - (28.00KB , 1100x750 , 2.png )

Although berries, or even rabbit sounds very tasty right now, they are both very hard to find immediately outside of your moon cave. Perhaps hibernating in space was not as good of an idea as you thought it was.

Your stomach growls.

test lunar surface for cheesiness contents

We're a phase bear? Obviously, we should be hunting blink frogs.

Forage for lunar rovers. Space bears clearly need some silicon and lightweight metals in their diet. If you eat enough lunar rovers astronauts will come investigate and then you can maul the astronauts.

It's simple: phase down to North America and catch some river salmon.

Nobody 2014/02/06(Thu)17:37 No. 561225 ID: 431163
File 139173705622.png - (24.28KB , 1100x750 , 3.png )

>>561215
You eat a small moonstone, but spit it back out. It just tastes of rock and solar radiation. Momma bear and Poppa bear lied to you. Your eyes swell with bear tears for a moment, but a bear does not dwell.

>>561218
You search high and low for lunar rovers, but do not manage to find any. You do find three monoliths, a UFO which quickly takes flight at the sight of you, an abandoned moon base filled with dead clones, a few passing satellites and a flag, but no lunar rovers.

You are getting very hungry.

Can't you just teleport down to Earth to find some bunnies?

Wait no, I have another idea. Phase back in time to when the astronauts were here, and eat them!

Are the clones edible?

Salute the flag and shed a single tear. Then proceed into the moon base to look for berries.

I second the idea, clones should be eadible, even if somewhat crunchy, after all, not enough bacteria to decompose them that much right?

we should head over to examinate monolith #2 afterwards

you're a motherfucking bear. bears don't settle for stale food. phase right into an african bush elephant and eat it from the inside.

Nobody 2014/02/07(Fri)13:52 No. 561332 ID: 431163
File 139180992446.png - (45.14KB , 1100x750 , 6.png )

Your bear stomach is filled with elephant meat.

You are somewhat bored now.

Go play with some somalian pirates

go either monolithways or lady phasebearways. I mean, those are just my personal recommendations. I would never presume to tell a bear what to do.

Wander aimlessly.

Through an office skyrise building.

If you have friends or family maybe you want to look some of them up? Unless they're all jerks or something.

>>561342
This seems a perfectly reasonable course of action.

Nobody 2014/02/09(Sun)15:32 No. 561711 ID: 431163
File 139198876636.png - (92.88KB , 1100x750 , 7.png )

>>561408
Although it would be nice to see Momma and Poppa again, you do not know where they are. Phasebears tend to lose things often.

You decide to mix it up and jump across dimensions for awhile, until you find some Somalian pirates working in an abandoned office building.

"Rrrrrhhhrrr," you say, ready to play.

Nobody 2014/02/09(Sun)15:33 No. 561712 ID: 431163
File 139198879606.png - (91.69KB , 1100x750 , 8.png )

But the pirates do not seem to be in the mood.


DISCLAIMBEAR
Tracing background art is wrong and intellectually dishonest, and should never be done in any serious piece of work. However bears are free spirits who don't conform themselves to any of your fucking rules, man.

>>561712
Dive at that guy and tackle him out the window.

Phase back up just before you hit asphalt and casually claim the couch.

>>561725

do the opposite of this. as in, phase right outside the window, then jump through it to maul the guy.

>>561725
>>561731

neither of these, grapple the guy, phase out with him, walk towards the window and phase back in such a way that the guy's head is outside of the window as you phase back in

When you're not busy playing with pirates, perhaps you can explain to us the extent of your phasing abilities. Like: how far, how accurately, can you bring stuff, how MUCH stuff, can you phase other things and NOT yourself, can you detect the place you're about to phase into....

Phasing is so one-note. Let's use our mauling ability here instead.

send them to another dimension, preferably one without oxygen

Nobody 2014/02/11(Tue)01:55 No. 562015 ID: 431163
File 139211251705.png - (76.58KB , 1100x750 , 9.png )

>>561801
You are a bear. You can phase.

You have literally never before given so much thought to defining your phasing abilities. But you clearly have a knack for it. Perhaps you should have been a scholar bear after all, and damn Poppa and his vicarious bearsport dreams.

>>561725
>>561731
>>561803
>>561845
Using a delicate and beautiful process the phasebear elegantly refers to as "Time Fucking", you attempt all of these at once.

The pirate makes a pleasing slurking noise, as he is torn into three clean pieces.

Nobody 2014/02/11(Tue)01:55 No. 562016 ID: 431163
File 139211253844.png - (234.78KB , 1100x750 , 10.png )

"AUU4444HGHIIIHH WH-&TaaTTT-- !Ii!SS5 ---TT7TTHHIIHH1111SSS555S OOAGHHA^^^000HHAAHH!!"

The barely-coherent pirate screams most horribly as his body rejects the reality of this dimension, and he is ripped asunder into his constituent pieces.

Serves him right for not playing with you.

What should we do now?

If you can phase through time, then find some real fucking pirates, like Blackbeard era. Actually fuck it. Just find Blackbeard and maul him in the snout to assert superiority, then put on his hat and become king of the bear pirates. Then take your legit pirate ship and crew and hunt down Hitler.

say hello to that lady hiding under the desk. maybe she wants to play. I suggest opening with GROOOAAANNNKKKK PLAAAAYYY WITHHHH MEEEEEEEEEE

Can you time fuck yourself into the past, or is it just for doing multiple things at the same time? If you can Time Fuck yourself and maul Hitler because that is what you are supposed to do with time travel.

Why not play with some polar bears?

Nobody 2014/02/12(Wed)14:20 No. 562241 ID: 431163
File 139224364486.png - (258.06KB , 1100x750 , 11.png )

>>562018
>>562090
Mauling is not the only way a Phasebear can kill Hitler. They have developed many nuanced and beautiful methods of hunting. Observe!

Nobody 2014/02/12(Wed)14:21 No. 562243 ID: 431163
File 139224366930.png - (92.63KB , 1100x750 , 13.png )

Nobody suspects a thing!

You now control Nazi Germany.

instead of having the jews burned, have them brought to you, to eat.

Challenge Winston Churchill to an arm wrestling contest to prove Nazi superiority.

rename Germany. here's a few ideas:

Ursanus
Bearistan
Potswana
Candyland
Salamisalaam
Internutopia

also announce that bears are the new master race and go invade Peru and Bolivia so you can have a lake called Titicaca in your country.

Demand that your parade car is replaced with a tank, it's more awesome that way.

Get them to feed you the most delicious honey and berries.

Reaffirm your alliance with Great Britain, and send off a missive to Sir Bearington.

>>562444
Reaffirm your alliance with Russia, indomidable land of bears, and send a bomber wing to Sir Bearington.

>>562494
No, those Russian bears will be part of our master plan to successfully take Moscow by attacking from two fronts.

Nobody 2014/02/19(Wed)15:49 No. 563542 ID: 431163
File 139285375874.png - (110.59KB , 1100x750 , 14.png )

The Nazi Republic of Bearistan is entering a new era of prosperity. Our newly befriended ursine friends in Russia are rebelling against their communist masters, and soon their land will be ripe for the taking. Bomber bears are on their way to bomb the foul country of Britain, while their prime minister is on his way now for our peace talks (where he will be humiliated in paw wrestling and forced to concede surrender).

Besides that, for the last week you have been gorging on the finest of German honey and fruit.

Life is good.

Nobody 2014/02/19(Wed)15:49 No. 563543 ID: 431163
File 139285377248.png - (149.44KB , 1100x750 , 15.png )

Except for that.

The pirate is apparently not quite as dead as you thought it was.

maybe if you did whatever you did to him to yourself, you could become an interdimensional horrorterror yourself. you'd be Bearthulhu. it'd be awesome.

>>563544
On the other hand, that might also be kinda like "Turn yourself into an eternally damned soul! It'll be sweet!" Just a grain of salt.

Well this is bad. Hmm. You could phase back in time and stop yourself from doing that to the pirate? Then he'll disappear in a puff of paradox.

Or we could try to find someone who is capable of dealing with extradimensional horrors such as this. Lovecraft, perhaps?

just kill them again. you were born to phase, they simply manged to contain it.

Phase it into the middle of London. They can destroy each other, and if we're really lucky the Prime Minister will hear of it just after his humiliating defeat to our right to Bear Arms.

>>563543
phase it to Pearl Harbor.

then you'll have pirates, boats, and a staggering deviation from known history

Phase the pirate inside the core of the first atom bomb test. That should be happening about now.

>>563575

and have a Dr. Pirate Manhattanthulhu on our hands?

...you know what, I'm cool with that.

The natural predator of the pirate is a ninja, no?
Simply repeat what you did to the pirate on a ninja and have the problems solve itself.

(This may or may not end in a ridiculous chain of incrementally powerful phase beasts)

>>563594
Phase ninjas probably exist already, you just need to go to Japan and get one. Japan are your allies right?

Nobody 2014/03/07(Fri)00:22 No. 565513 ID: 431163
File 139418057933.png - (269.21KB , 1100x750 , 16.png )

>>563559

Nobody 2014/03/07(Fri)00:23 No. 565515 ID: 431163
File 139418059933.png - (419.85KB , 1100x750 , 18.png )

As a phasebear, you are able to see across time to witness the consequences of your actions.

The Pirate will destroy London, down to every last man, woman and child. But London will prove no match for the Pirate. Sustained by the casualties, recovering more life for each that it takes, the Pirate will grow and grow. It will swallow cars, tanks and humans alike under its tremendous rolling bulk. It will wrap around buildings and bridges, blowing out into every direction until all that is left of London is The Pirate, collosal in size.

But London will not be the end. The Pirate will expand outward, seeking more flesh, more biomatter to fuel its own deranged, feral inhuman growth. It will swallow Bristol, Leeds and Liverpool before the hour is done. By the time the world has finally realized what is happening to it, the Pirate will cover a full half of the land, and three quarters of the ocean. Within two days the seas will be filled with congealing blood and boiling mucus, the ground covered by a thick sheet of warm living flesh. Every noxious breath that seeps from the Pirate's fifty colossal malformed lungs will fill the already unlivable atmosphere with more toxic carbon dioxide, until even the very air is acid.

And still the pirate will not be done, for his growing hunger will drive him to push fleshy tendrils out into space. Fuelled by the dimensional warp storms raging over the Earth, these tendrils will grow at exponential rates. Within a few short years, they will find their first target. The V'ian of the Hein So star system won't know what hit them; in a few short minutes, their entire system-spanning empire disappears. And they will hardly be the last. A hundred billion stars will be snuffed out from the night sky as they are cleansed. Mighty empires, fledgling tribes, strong reptilian giants or tiny weak rodents- it does not matter. Each and every one is dragged, kicking and screaming, into one of trillions of gibbering, teeth chattering mega-mouths.

In a mere twenty years time, there will be virtually no life left in this galaxy. Only a mere handful of stragglers are crafty enough to avoid the omniescent eyes, surviving amongst the ruinous valleys of shit and filth. Countless planets are left covered in the everflesh, spewing bile and piss and blood in the skin ravines where prosperous civilizations once stood. Uncaring desolate isolation will be the only reminder of countless eons of progress and culture.


But none of that matters because it wasn't even your dimension anyway!

So, how will we celebrate the pirate's AND London's defeat? They won't be bothering you any more!

Phase Bear for ultimate Dr. Who villain. 

To celebrate the defeat of London and the foisting of a universe ending problem onto another dimension, find a dimension where Dr. Who is real and take a bear shit in his TARDIS to declare yourself as Bear Who is Basically a God in Charge of Everything Who Does as He Pleases so Deal With It You Wimp.

Well, frick.

Take a small fishing trip with some of your top lieutenants.

maybe you should skip this dimension of reality since you pretty much Cronenberg'd the whole thing now.

Ummm...are you...sure you can't just stop the pirate?

>>565713
We did stop the pirate. We shunted it to a dimension separate from our own where it can never try to harm us again.

The pirate came for us twice now, he'll do it again.

He must be stopped.

>>565741
Actually he only came for us once. We went to him the first time we meat him.

>>565744
And then he shot us. Maybe that doesn't qualify as 'coming at us' but he still tried to kill us twice.

Nobody 2014/03/15(Sat)20:31 No. 566460 ID: 753e50
File 139494066286.png - (90.45KB , 1100x750 , 19.png )

You take a quick moment to reassert your dominance over Britain, but then you are left with nothing to do.

Your mind wanders back to the German generals whom you left behind, who do not yet know the horrors that will befall them. You consider bringing them out for a fishing trip, when you recall the sage words of your old Bear Physics 101 professor, Mr. Honeypaws.

>"For the LOVE of our sweet merciful bear christ, listen to me you little shits! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU could destroy the multiverse and everything in it! Each one of you spoiled little undisciplined fuckups could EASILY screw it all up for ALL OF US so PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T FUCK SHIT UP TOO MUCH! I'M LITERALLY ON MY KNEES BEGGING YOU, PLEASE!"

What a kidder, that Mr. Honeypaws! But he is probably right. You should leave that dimension alone before the warp seams start tearing into neighbouring universes.


Your mind reels at all the other possibilities before you, all the well deserved vacations you could take. To narrow it down, you choose three at random to pick from.

Nobody 2014/03/15(Sat)20:31 No. 566461 ID: 753e50
File 139494068565.png - (739.93KB , 1100x750 , 20.png )

There is always the Prostitute and Cocaine Party Planet of dimension #314,558,000,132. Can't go wrong with snorting some bear coke off a hooker's ass. Or snorting some bear coke off a hooker's tits. Or snorting some bear hooker off a coke's ass, it's all good.

Nobody 2014/03/15(Sat)20:31 No. 566462 ID: 753e50
File 139494069369.png - (119.41KB , 1100x750 , 21.png )

You know of a fantastic all-you-can-eat buffet in dimension #132,994,854,900,232,410,001,428. The little piglets are left to roam free-range for anywhere between ten to fourty plus years, and it's all as fresh as it could get. A meal that'd be fit for our beloved Bear King!

Nobody 2014/03/15(Sat)20:32 No. 566463 ID: 753e50
File 139494072078.png - (611.06KB , 1100x750 , 22.png )

Finally, you could wander the endless forgotten wastelands of the Infinite Fog Plains of dimension #84 for a few decades. Maybe, with any luck, you could find your poor, lost parents. The very thought brings a bear tear to your eye.

HookerCocaineHookerCocaineHookerCocaineHookerCocaineHookerCocaineHookerCocaineHookerCocaineHookerCocaineHooker
CocaineHookerCocaine

obviously

The buffet sounds perfect.

Obviously you should collect some free range piglet takeout, and then go snort bear cocaine off it while eating it off a hooker's ass.

Always remember: Nothing good ever comes from getting intoxicated with an empty stomach. So hit the buffet!

...what's in dimension #1?

>>566617
Not puking out your guts because there's nothing to puke out?
I say we risk certain death wandering the infinite fog plains trying to find the decaying remains of our parents by tripping over whatever killed them. I think we should do this because that would be a stupid idea, and sometimes you just have to make the wrong decision.

Can't go wrong with bear coke.

Nobody 2014/03/21(Fri)20:52 No. 567270 ID: 753e50
File 139546036587.png - (574.34KB , 1100x750 , 23.png )

>>566621
> ...what's in dimension #1?
So many Phasebears.

You don't really like to go to Dimension #1. There was this one incident- who can honestly blame you? They're a bunch of bear dicks for bringing it up every single time. I mean, it was the middle of breeding season, and who's fault is it really if Derrick can't work the feminine fat off his worthless bear ass, seriously, you can't tell who the bear christ is who in that pile and probably everybody's done it before anyway without even realizing it so what stupid high ground are they on, the hypocritical assholes.

Bunch of bear jerks.

>>567270
>dimension of infinite bears
Jesus Christ how horrifying

Would your bear parents even appreciate the trouble you would go through to find them, or will they just bitch and moan about you being a disappointment? If they're impossible to please, just go to the coke party and sniff coke off all of a hookers body parts at once.

What about... DIMENSION #0?

Nobody 2014/03/22(Sat)00:31 No. 567282 ID: 753e50
File 139547349667.png - (782.40KB , 1100x750 , 24.png )

Going out and intentionally searching for your long lost bear parents was a pretty dumb idea. Why would you want them around anyway? Spoiling your fun. Spoiling your freedom. It is much better to do what you want and screw the consequences; now THAT is the true Phasebear way.

Nobody 2014/03/22(Sat)00:31 No. 567283 ID: 753e50
File 139547351408.png - (766.51KB , 1100x750 , 25.png )

As a side note, cocaine tastes like delicious candy. Or it does after awhile. First snort didn't taste like candy but goddamn does that shit get waaay fucking good so good it doesn't even matter that your face is numb but who cares

Fuck this hooker is hot you could do this for hours

Nobody 2014/03/22(Sat)00:32 No. 567284 ID: 753e50
File 139547353929.png - (766.52KB , 1100x750 , 26.png )

Oh my bear god have you ever been a stripper before this shit is so much fucking fun hahaha

You should get more takeout because you could eat a fucking small african nation or no, a big one, they're too skinny for a good meal anyway

Doesnt matter just keep shakin that big bear booty yeah baby

Nobody 2014/03/22(Sat)00:32 No. 567285 ID: 753e50
File 139547355668.png - (761.07KB , 1100x750 , 27.png )

man fuk mom and fuck dad youre fuckin invinclbe u dont need them you dont need anybody cept maybe these whores but well see cause it doesnt matter cause u can do anythng an the very very very last thing u need is

oh hey its mom an dad

>>567285
ummmmmmm

Phase somewhere else until the drugs and panic fade, then come back like one second after you left.

Then I dunno something like "Oh my god I thought you were lost forever why are you HERE of all places?" is appropriate.

>>567285
It's just the coke. Keep partying or the strippers are going to think you're some kind of dork, growling about your mom-n-dad during sex. You'll look just like one of those guys that cries afterwards and that always makes it really awkward when they ask for the money.

Assess whether it is truly mombear and dadbear or if they are still lost in the infinite fog plains and this is just a coke fueled hallucination.

Immediately break down and begin crying with happiness and pulling them into a group hug. You've been acting tough and talking shit, but you missed them.

what are they doing in the coke and hookers dimension

that place is for scum

shame on them

Nobody 2014/04/04(Fri)13:21 No. 569193 ID: 753e50
File 139664288107.png - (247.39KB , 1100x750 , 28.png )

>>567287
You... you start to...

>>567293
They are... they-

>>567295
Oh, mommy! Pop pop!

"Rrrrrrurrrrr"

"RrrrRrhhr"

"RRrrrHHHRRr!"

Oh faceless alien hooker slut!

"... ~ <3 ~ ..."

"RrrRrrr"

"GrrRhrRR!"

Nobody 2014/04/04(Fri)13:21 No. 569194 ID: 753e50
File 139664290561.png - (216.25KB , 1100x750 , 29.png )

"RRGRRGGHRRR!!"

"GGGRGGRR!!!"

"RAAUURR RRUAURR!!"

"... ?!?! ..."

"GGRHR RRUUARRRR"

Oh, bear jesus. Now you remember why you tried to ditch these two deadweight losers in the infinite fog plains.

Get them addicted to hookers and blow. Then sneak out and go visit the Universe's Biggest Circus.

I don't get it. but if you want to ditch them, feel free to phase into the ninja dimension.

Dude, get over it. They're family. You work through it and put up with it.

Nobody 2014/04/05(Sat)18:01 No. 569355 ID: 753e50
File 139674610181.png - (740.68KB , 1100x750 , 30.png )

No no no! You can't just hide with the ninjas or visit the circus every time you have a squabble with your mommy and pop pop. You need some time to think this over.

So you freeze time.

In about twenty seconds chronomatic aberration and desyncing will cause cataclysmic tearing in dimensional spacetime, which will almost immediately explode every atom in this plane of existence.

But twenty seconds is plenty of time. No need to worry about it. Unless some other phasebear has already frozen space in this dimension before, but really... who would be stupid and reckless enough to do that?

Anyway. The solution is clear. You need to murder your parents. Unfortunately they are also phasebears, which makes it a little more difficult.

>>569355
Can't you just invite them to your dimension but give them the dimension number of the Pirate, and a location that's too dangerous to escape from once there?

>>569355
Not if they're babies! Killing babies is usually incredibly easy so I'm guessing baby phasebears will be more difficult than normal babies but less than adult phasebears. You just have to locate both when and where your parents were when they were young.

...I'm still confused as to why you need to murder them.

>>569367
Or even easier, you just need to prevent their conception. Go cock-block your grandparents.

The really trick bit is how you prevent yourself from ceasing to exist along with your parents, though.

wait, kill dad bear right after you are conceived and he is tired. and mom bear right after you are born. she will be tired from birthing.

>>569370
And then raise yourself to beardulthood.

>>569370
>>569391
This is a perfect plan and nothing could go wrong.
To the past!

...wait a second, we've already been shown to have parricidal tendencies. Do we really want to raise little us?

If we do this we've already done it and you raised yourself. And thus killing your dad right now would be killing you at another time. You shouldn't do that, just dump them in doomed-pirate-verse.

Nobody 2014/04/23(Wed)15:50 No. 572090 ID: 753e50
File 139829340994.png - (21.01KB , 1100x750 , 31.png )

>>569370
>kill dad bear right after you are conceived
>and mom bear right after you are born

You may have slept through most of WaterBear High, but even you paid attention in sex ed. You're not sure why you thought you might need to make a distinction between the two, but you dismiss the mental misstep and move on.

Nobody 2014/04/23(Wed)15:50 No. 572093 ID: 753e50
File 139829343750.png - (27.15KB , 1100x750 , 34.png )

The deed is done and the child you is yours. As you cradle yourself in your own loving embrace, you think to the future, of how much different things will be this time around. Never again will you be denied a ticket to the elephant ride and buffet at the bear circus, or the bearcycle you so desperately wanted as a young teenage bear. Every weekend will be spent stuffing both of your own faces with honey and ice cream, fishing at the local lake and hanging out with yourself, doing whatever the hell you and you want. Never will you be parted from yourself, no. You will pamper and spoil yourself until your last parting breath and by god nobody, and that means NOBODY, will ever change your years of well-earned dedication to your own well being.


On the other hand, you're starting to come off your high. Phasebear metabolism is much higher then a puny humans, of course... although, you're not sure what possessed you to think that, or what relevance it has to anything. But you know what DOES have relevance. With this kid in tow, there will be no more hookers OR cocaine. No more pirate fights, no more moon vacations. The little shitbag is nothing but a deadweight on your good times and you need to do something about it.

Find a trustworthy person you can leave yourself with that will spoil you rotten.

who says you can't take hm wit you to the hookers? i am sure one or two would love watching him.. you... it, while you handle business.

Just abandon him in an orphanage. He doesn't deserve anything. He'll probably grow up to be a parricidal hitler impersonator.

Is there an alternate universe where you didn't kill your parents? If so you could phase the little one into alternate universe mom's womb just as she goes into labor and be raised with your own identical twin brother/alternate reality self. They hopefully won't question why one of you were born without a Umbilical cord.

>>572098
before you drop him off give him some tits so when you are a teenager you have something to have fun with

Leave him in the care of some impressionable tribal species. They will undoubtedly raise him as a gift from the gods or something.

You know what to do. Eat him and gain his powers. You will ascend and become Paradoxbear.

>>572114

holy shit you're right.

>>572114
eating our past self sounds just like the sort of thing Mr. Honeypaws warned us never to do, I say as we stand over our parents corpses shortly after our birth and almost immediately after I suggested being raised as the twin child to our alternate universe self. You know what just do whatever,we are probably far beyond what Mr. Honeypaws would consider fucking stuff up too much.

>>572114
This is the only rational course of action at this time.

>The little shitbag is nothing but a deadweight on your good times and you need to do something about it.
What? No he's not, you're a phasebear. You can have as much fun with him as you want, and then fuck off when you want to do anything else. And then you can time travel back right to the moment you abandoned him when you're done, so there's no child neglect. You could only spend one day a week, or less, raising yourself and still be a full time parent.

>>572178
Except we'll keep aging as we raise him. You think raising him now full time will be hard, by the time he's one year old we'll be seven years older, we'll have aged fourteen years by the time he turns two. I don't know how long phase bears live or take to grow up but if we age and grow decrepit at all he's going to become a much bigger chore to raise especially once we have to start chasing him through time and dimensions.

Nobody 2014/05/09(Fri)16:18 No. 573760 ID: 753e50
File 139967750042.png - (64.82KB , 1100x750 , 35.png )

>>572178
>>572114
As delicious as that sounds, the thought makes you feel a little... strange. Uneasy and unpleased. As if you could almost feel the pain another bear is going through, even though you obviously can't. You can't say you've ever felt anything like this before. And with any luck, you won't feel it again.

>>572178
The problem with this is that sort of shit takes work. And the more time you spend worrying about this little brat, the less time you're snorting pure coke off a hooker's fat tits. No. The little fucker has to be taken care of.

But first, you thought of possibly the greatest idea you've ever had in your entire bear adulthood. So you swing by the very best hospital you can find in the north-west region of this back-country dimension who'll work for fourteen bear dollars and a pocketful of lint.

Nobody 2014/05/09(Fri)16:18 No. 573761 ID: 753e50
File 139967751279.png - (85.21KB , 1100x750 , 36.png )

And then you deposit the little shit off at the closest orphanage. Good riddance, you little fucker! Now, it's time to get back to the hookers and bl--

Nobody 2014/05/09(Fri)16:18 No. 573762 ID: 753e50
File 139967752624.png - (295.46KB , 1100x750 , 37.png )

...oh. Maybe you desynced that dimension a little too much.

Well whatever! There's plenty more where that came from! And without the little shit to bog us down, we're a free agent! Hell yeah!

Where shall we go now? What awesome adventures should we get into?

Sorry about the slow 2-3 week updates. I was busy with life for awhile, and after that I had lost my momentum. But I've found motivation again and worked into a better schedule so this should all go faster from here on out.

>>573762
The warp seams aren't tearing into neighboring universes are they? I mean, you should try not to fuck everything up for everyone, so if this isn't localized you might want to fix it.

If not, let's goooo tooooo... the universe with the biggest waterpark!

lets head into some other quests and fuck some shit up.

>>573768
NO

>>573769
but yes though

...roast some tasty marshmallows over the plasma fires of that dying universe. Nothing quite bakes in the flavor like burning spacetime.

come on out here and give us a bear hug.

Nobody 2014/05/12(Mon)14:19 No. 574142 ID: 753e50
File 139992955724.png - (17.18KB , 1100x750 , 38.png )

You decide to go fuck up the other quests a bit.

Already, you're hitting a snag. Just look at this shit. Is this what modern questing has become? Poorly drawn walls and doors, a terrible cityscape in the background. The only colour in the entire goddamn scene is on the busty slut in the foreground. No fucking wonder she had some goddamn attention put into her! And still she doesn't even have a real face! Who the fuck made THIS dogshit?

Ruining this would be more depressing then amusing. It's clearly already scraping the bottom of the barrel. How much lower could it go?

Nobody 2014/05/12(Mon)14:19 No. 574143 ID: 753e50
File 139992957774.png - (16.71KB , 800x600 , 39.png )

Now THIS is a proper quest. Old but gold.

Time's all fucked up here, though. You can feel it. It'll stop for a few weeks, months, then burst forward again. And stop. And go. It would take ages and ages for them to come back and realize you've fucked it up. And then time would stop before it could sink in, and you'd have to wait ages and ages more.

What is the point of reckless carnage without an audience?

Nobody 2014/05/12(Mon)14:19 No. 574144 ID: 753e50
File 139992959886.png - (322.16KB , 1052x744 , 40.png )

Actually, you have nothing to say about this one. Seems pretty pleasant.

But none of the quests you see here are a worthy candidate for destruction and fucking up! Not one quest about anything cool, like bears or phase shifting. Screw it. You can do better then this.

The Bear 2014/05/12(Mon)14:20 No. 574146 ID: 753e50
File 139992963424.png - (13.24KB , 1100x750 , 42.png )

You are an insignificant little human, toiling about your insignificant human life. You have a full fridge of honey and berries, but your wife is hibernating in the caveroom. What will you do?

>>574146
Contemplate why you are so eager to stock up on such bear-like food products, and think of your wife sleeping in such a bear-like way.

>>574146
Go brag to your friends about how much honey and berries you have.

The Bear 2014/05/12(Mon)14:55 No. 574154 ID: 753e50
File 139993173240.png - (13.25KB , 1100x750 , 43.png )

>>574152
You spend a moment to think about how you eat berries and sleep. Then you move on because that's a dumb thing to think about because of course bears humans do those things.

>>574153
You go meet your friend HUMAN 2 and brag about how much berries and honey you have.

He congratulates you for being so prepared for the winter but asks why you do not have any MEAT.

Oh, shit! You forgot the MEAT. You must get MEAT.

>>574154
Bears have meat! Go hunt a bear.

>>574154
Kill human 2 for meat.

The Bear 2014/05/12(Mon)15:55 No. 574161 ID: 753e50
File 139993534234.png - (8.73KB , 1100x750 , 44.png )

Bears are far too big for an insignificant human like yourself to take down, but perhaps you can use your friend as a meatshield while you try to stab him in the back. Maybe it'll work. And if it doesn't, you can always kill your friend for meat later.

You are in the bear woods. There are bears in these woods. But you do not know where they are.

Human 2 talks about how fast his son is growing. He talks about the love he has for his wife and how he is only two weeks from retirement.

Tell Human 2 he sounds like the old grizzled cop 10 seconds from dieing in literaly every action movie ever. Then locate a cave where a bear lives.

>>574161
Warn Human 2 that he's going to jinx the hell out of himself and end up dying horribly by a bear attack if he doesn't watch what he says.

Also, did you even bring weapons?

yeah, don't stand within 15 feet of that guy.

The Bear 2014/05/13(Tue)12:51 No. 574261 ID: 753e50
File 140001071498.png - (14.94KB , 1100x750 , 45.png )

There is a bear cave off in the distance. There must be bears there!

>>574164
You have your human claws and your human fangs.

You give Human 2 a wide berth and tell him to stop being a cliche. He apologizes, but says he is has been so happy ever since he started sponsoring a poor african family. Also, his adopted dog is beginning to grow past his abusive family and trust people again, and his son's big graduation ceremony is coming up so soon.

>>574261
Dammit, Human 2! At this rate you're not going to even last five seconds!

Also, you seem to have quite a bear-like mentality about how to kill game. Humans need weapons like guns to fight, since their teeth and claws are not meant for that sort of thing--but of course you knew that since you're a human.

The Bear 2014/05/13(Tue)13:35 No. 574266 ID: 753e50
File 140001335857.png - (14.67KB , 1100x750 , 46.png )

>>574265
Oh, well! Of course you knew that. Which is why you also brought along.... a hammer. A bear hammer. That is a weapon that humans use.

Human 2 speaks fondly about the beauty of this valley and of life in general. He says that he has been missing having a little tyke around the house, and he may adopt again, and if he does would you like to be the godfather?

You are faced with a dilemma. The bear will have more MEAT, but you are just a puny insignificant human and you may die. Your friend has less MEAT but he is weak and feeble.

>>574266
At this point, sending Human 2 in first would be useless--he's jinxed himself so much he'd be killed before he was two steps into the cave, and that'd leave you fighting a bear without backup. You'd better lead the way, and have him follow behind with his own bear hammer.

bear hammer? you mean bear mace? you know, the stuff that melts the eyeballs of a human and thus is enough to make a bear flee? because that'd make a lot of sense.

The Bear 2014/05/14(Wed)13:36 No. 574402 ID: 753e50
File 140009979461.png - (14.81KB , 1100x750 , 47.png )

>>574336
Maces are old and outdated. Hammers can be bought at the human store. You've seen it once. When you bought it, that is. You saw it and then you bought it from a human store because that's what humans do.

>>574267
You give him another bear hammer but lead the charge.

Inside is the mighty phasebear. It is so big and mighty that you can only see the hand of it.

Smack it with your hammer oh god

>>574402
Quick, power up to Super-Human and fire a few Humanity Shots at that hand! You do remember that humans can do that, right? Since you are a human?

Use your human cunning to trick the phase bear into attacking itself.

use hammer on claw.

Suggestion 2014/05/15(Thu)10:25 No. 574553 ID: 753e50
File 140017474568.png - (14.98KB , 1100x750 , 48.png )

>>574410
Bullshit, you have never seen a human ANOTHER human do those things.

>>574516
A puny insignificant human could not ever hope to outsmart a phasebear!


You hit the bear claw with your hamm OW FUCK

The Bear 2014/05/15(Thu)10:26 No. 574555 ID: 753e50
File 140017478324.png - (14.97KB , 1100x750 , 50.png )

Oh look at that your hammer disappeared!

What do you do now, human?

Sacrifice Human 2 to secure your escape then realize escaping a phase bear is impossible even with a distraction.

Circle around away from the claws and bite! If your partner is around direct him to hit where you did, make that crack go further!

>>574555
Are you sure you're a human? Because humans power up to Super-Human like all the time. But if you really can't, the only thing to do is bite the hand while Human 2 circles around with his hammer!

The Bear 2014/05/15(Thu)12:21 No. 574574 ID: 753e50
File 140018169427.png - (15.44KB , 1100x750 , 51.png )

With Human 2 nowhere around to serve as a handy distraction, you are forced to bite the MOTHER FUCK OW


Fucking... the other human, Human 2, he comes in and apologizes for being late. He just got a call from the lottery to tell him he won a twenty million dollar jackpot. He tells you he plans to spend it all on charity as soon as he gets home.

Tell him to help you out and hammer this giant bear hand so you can get some of its delicious meat.

Remind human 2 that he is two days away from retirement and that it's wiser to save the winnings for that.

Oh man you know how filthy human mouths are. That's how they hunt you know. They bite there prey and it gets horrible blood poisoning and dies. Then they molest its corpse with there horrible opposable digits.

Anyways now that you have doomed the bear to a slow death congratulate your friend on winning the lottery. Then retreat to a safe distance to wait for the bear to die.

>>574574
Shut up and start beating that hand with your hammer, Human 2! Aim for the claws, try to break them!

offer human 2 as a sacrifice to the almighty phasebear in exchange for MEAT.

Tell human 2 to invest some of that money on anti-phase bear tech R&D. We could sure use a cool human weapon right now.

The Bear 2014/05/16(Fri)13:52 No. 574715 ID: 753e50
File 140027352690.png - (16.20KB , 1100x750 , 52.png )

You urgently tell Human 2 to help with OWW JESUS!

Fuck this!

The Bear 2014/05/16(Fri)13:52 No. 574717 ID: 753e50
File 140027355993.png - (15.34KB , 1100x750 , 54.png )

You belatedly ask Human 2 to spend some of his millions on anti-bear weapons research. He tells you he certainly can.

The Bear 2014/05/16(Fri)13:52 No. 574718 ID: 753e50
File 140027357108.png - (17.45KB , 1100x750 , 55.png )

Oh no! The bear is summoning forth the boiling waters of the angry mountain! What will you do?

>>574718
LEG IT.

Laugh at the bears cheap boob job.

climb through like the ambitious bastards that you are.

>>574718
There's no way you can escape the full boiling wrath of a phase-bear. Grimly tell Human 2 that he's probably not going to see that retirement money.

That being said, you're not going to die like wimps, you're gonna die like the huMANS you are! Climb through the rift and die in a blaze of glory, charging at the bear!

Jump through the hole and drop to the floor running to escape.

>>574733
Hells yes.

pop its fake tits.

The Bear 2014/05/19(Mon)15:10 No. 575041 ID: 753e50
File 140053744115.png - (24.86KB , 1100x750 , 56.png )

No no no! Goddamn it! They're getting out!

You knew it was a bad idea to start your quest in the Drawings Can Come Alive And Do Things And Hurt Their Creators Too Sometimes dimension. But you thought it might make it easier if they could do the work for you.

Goddamn this reality and their fucked-up laws of physics and reality! Now you have two little stick shits trying to kill you for real real. And you just spilled your kettle, just fantastic!


And don't encourage them to pop your beautiful, bountiful bear bosoms! You just got those!

>>575041
You could just go get a big slab of beef and toss it at them. Then they'll take it and go away.

Smother them with your disturbing Hitler cleavage. They'll be too confused to react.

>>575041
Oh geeze, that whole human thing was just part of your quest? I thought we had actually switched to some random humans, they were so life-like!

I guess we could suggest them to run away or you could satisfy them with some meat from the fridge or something.

Just climb up on a piece of furniture till they get tired and go away or die.

Did you draw that beautiful bosom yourself? Better be careful it doesn't come to life and try to kill you too.

>>575041
Draw a phasebear to fight them off.
This is a perfect plan and nothing can go wrong.

The humans from your quest wanted meat, so draw ALL THE MEAT.

>>575116
>>575120
Combine these into the ultimate boss: the Phaseshank! A godlike shank of meat shaped generally like a bear for the humans to attack and devour.

The Bear 2014/05/26(Mon)16:17 No. 576054 ID: 753e50
File 140114623218.png - (14.83KB , 1100x750 , 57.png )

Man, sometimes you just need shit to be simple and free of 'phaseshank' madness. You've already ended two universes today, which is probably the sort of thing Mr. Honeypaws was yammering on about. And it's not even your house anyway, so screw it. You'll just give the little bastards some meat.

The Bear 2014/05/26(Mon)16:17 No. 576055 ID: 753e50
File 140114624799.png - (15.57KB , 1100x750 , 58.png )

Now where in the hell do humans keep their fridges? Why can't they just keep everything in one big rocky alcove like anybody sensible?

The Bear 2014/05/26(Mon)16:17 No. 576056 ID: 753e50
File 140114625840.png - (13.31KB , 1100x750 , 59.png )

Ah, there it is. No meat in here, though. What is all this crap? Metal cans and cardboard boxes and plastic? You can't eat this shit. Humans are dumb.

Oh, there's another fridge up top. Why in our bear god's name do they need two? They can't even fill one with berries and honey and meat. Well whatever, found some meat anyway.

The Bear 2014/05/26(Mon)16:17 No. 576057 ID: 753e50
File 140114627153.png - (21.24KB , 1100x750 , 60.png )

Come on you little blighters, take it and- oh, shit.

For fucks sake! You were going to play it by the rules. But now you have no idea where the little ankle-biters could be hiding.

>>576057
Try checking those drawers, and after that check through that door on your right. And careful with your breasts, if those stick figures have human throwing capabilities they may be in danger of flying bear hammers.

>>576057
BEHIND YOU

Just dump the meat on the floor and stand back, imo.

The Young Bear 2014/07/21(Mon)13:17 No. 585154 ID: 753e50
File 140597384083.png - (76.32KB , 1100x750 , 61.png )

Well forget all that. You are now Young Phasebear.

Fifteen bear years ago, you were cruelly torn from your mother and father. You were brought to this hellhole and left to rot, where you were fed a mere three round meals a day and scolded most unfairly for mauling the other children, when they annoyed you first. Worst of all, you were allowed only as many toys as could fit inside a large wardrobe eight feet tall.

Fortunately, the nightmare is over. Yesterday your phasebear powers finally matured, and today you will escape this gilded cage and kill the bastard who took your life from you.

Today, your quest begins. Now, where to begin?

As a phasebear, you may:

*Wander Aimlessly
*Growl and roar
*Maul and kill
*Look for lady phasebears
*Jump through time and space
*Forage for berries

Additionally, you believe the cape and mask combo you fashioned from spare sheets will give you increased stealthiness and maybe even the ability to fly. You have not tested this yet, however.

Become Bat-phasebear. You will be a crazed, super-trained vigilante to avenge the deaths of your parents.

>>585154
I think we should start with Wander Aimlessly Through Time and Space.

Would you even recognize them if you saw them now? No point in seeking revenge, it is far too stale. Better to move on and do new things with your life.