Cirr 2010/12/25(Sat)08:27 No. 266543 ID: 33bc7e
File 12932944301.png - (108.23KB , 640x480 , ALOTQ1-1.png )

You are standing in a long line at the SUPERMARKET to get a RIPE CANTALOUPE MELON for your UNSPECIFIED ESOTERIC QUASI-RELIGIOUS WINTER HOLIDAY dinner. The guy in front of you grabs the very last one.

The dinner is in three hours. Your BOSS will be attending.

What do you do?

Offer the man a bribe for it.
If that doesn't work, headbutt him and take it.

Dunk the melon on his head.

Pull out that charm, and slap it all over that dirty melon-haver's face!

In other words, "Excuse me, good sir, I rather desperately require that RIPE CANTALOUPE MELON that you seem to be holding for my company holiday dinner! I'm willing to pay you a slight cut above retail price to part with it, if you like. Will you help out a poor man?"

>>266543

Challenge him to a staring contest. Winner gets the melon.

>>266543
Emplore him to hand over the melon in the spirit of the season.

Which is to say, offer to pay him triple its value at this most materialistic of times.

Cirr 2010/12/25(Sat)08:45 No. 266550 ID: 33bc7e
File 129329552464.png - (81.86KB , 640x480 , ALOTQ1-2.png )

You swagger over to the man with PURE CHARISMA radiating from you. He inspects the melon thoroughly.
>"Excuse me, my good sir, I rather desperately require that RIPE CANTALOUPE MELON-"
>"Oh, you desperately need it? From your words and tone of voice alone I can hear clearly that your need for this melon is far greater than my own! Please! Take this melon! May it serve you well for what has yet to come!"

The man gives you the fruit. You are confused but otherwise pleased.

You find out that it's actually slightly moldy when you buy it.

Obtained MOLDY CANTALOUPE MELON.
Obtained 5 PERSUASIVE points.
SEVERE CONFUSION achieved.
TERRIBLE HOLIDAY DINNER achieved.
NO CHANCE OF PROMOTION achieved.
MELON END achieved.

MidKnight 2010/12/25(Sat)09:16 No. 266557 ID: 7b76d3
File 12932973818.png - (79.99KB , 700x700 , al.png )

Suddenly, guest author with broken tablet!

You are now FEMALE, as well as PICTURED TO THE LEFT. When you were little, people always called you STRANGE, but that changed as you underwent puberty. What many people don't know is that you do not actually possess VOLUPTUOUS BREASTS. the front of your shirt is, in fact, your INVENTORY. You keep a number of USEFUL and PRACTICAL items in your INVENTORY.

You currently work in the Canadian branch of Cirr Enterprises, Ltd.

MidKnight 2010/12/25(Sat)09:24 No. 266560 ID: 7b76d3
File 129329787887.png - (69.69KB , 700x700 , al2.png )

"Oh hey, PLAYER CHARACTER!"

Oh no, it's that one guy again! He always wants to engage in FRIENDLY BANTER, but he's REALLY ANNOYING!

You've got to avoid him at all costs!

Your current INVENTORY:
- A hairbrush
- Some band-aids
- My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Coloring book
- Your paycheck
- A bull-roarer
- Your cat, Bubbles
- A netbook
- This MOLDY CANTALOUPE MELON some idiot brought to last month's holiday party

What do you do?

>>266560
Shake the cat, piss it off, then throw it in his face.

MidKnight 2010/12/25(Sat)10:20 No. 266562 ID: 7b76d3
File 129330123569.png - (110.74KB , 500x500 , al3.png )

Tablet fixed!
You draw upon the many subtle powers of the chest that is your bosom, and, from this thoraxian trunk, you withdraw:
BUBBLES THE KITTEN

MidKnight 2010/12/25(Sat)10:34 No. 266563 ID: 7b76d3
File 129330205892.png - (122.22KB , 700x700 , al4.png )

Having successfully shaken you kitten, you haphazardly lob the AGITATED FELINE in the annoying guy's general direction and make a break for it!

CRAZY CAT LADY achieved!

The next day, when you come in, you are told that you have been fired. Also, arrested. Something about violent assault and years of reconstructive surgery.

Obtained UNEMPLOYMENT
Obtained 17 YEARS IN REHABILITATION
Obtained 60 HOURS COMMUNITY SERVICE
FUNNY FARM INMATE achieved
CHAOS ALIGNMENT achieved
KITTEN END achieved

MidKnight 2010/12/25(Sat)11:31 No. 266568 ID: 7b76d3
File 129330548982.png - (5.98KB , 700x700 , al5.png )

You're a DEPRESSED GUY. The world is a sad, sad place, and nothing will ever change that or lighten the blackness that's settled over your mind, heart, and soul.

MidKnight 2010/12/25(Sat)11:32 No. 266569 ID: 7b76d3
File 129330555945.png - (8.70KB , 700x700 , al6.png )

Oh hey, a girl. Also a cow. It's not like they could make anything better.

What do you do? it's not like it's going to matter. Everyone dies in the end.

>>266569
Die, then. And decrease the surplus population.

Hand-feed the cow, it's fun and you might impress the girl with your kindness to animals. Pick up some straw or something.

tell girl you has a sad.

>>266569
Seduce girl.
Realize her mouth is the fountain of youth.
Live forever.

MidKnight 2010/12/25(Sat)13:18 No. 266582 ID: 7b76d3
File 129331193951.png - (9.09KB , 700x700 , al7.png )

"uhh, erm, hand-feeding the cow wouldn't hurt, I guess. here you go, cow..."

>>266583
Seduce cow.

MidKnight 2010/12/25(Sat)13:28 No. 266585 ID: 7b76d3
File 129331250583.png - (9.14KB , 700x700 , al9.png )

The cow's tranquil, placid expression inspires you to embrace the simple pleasures in life. you feel year upon year of bitterness and fatigue melt away, as you realize that happiness is possible, and that the world means so much more than just moping about and brooding about how sad you are.

All of this you disseminate to the woman standing in front of you. Now, she seems different. What you once saw as another homeless denizen of this hopeless world now shines as a new, beautiful being, separate from any other and having no equal.

You feel an odd urge building up inside you you almost want to hold that girl, and...

MidKnight 2010/12/25(Sat)13:32 No. 266586 ID: 7b76d3
File 129331273992.png - (56.17KB , 700x700 , al10.png )

obtained ROMANCE +12
achieved KISSING SCENE
achieved /QUEST/ PSYCHIATRIC THERAPY
obtained ETERNAL LIFE
achieved LOVE SOLVES EVERYTHING ENDING

back to Cirr!

Suggestion 2010/12/25(Sat)13:32 No. 266587 ID: cdf814
File 129331276389.jpg - (197.48KB , 1113x800 , moo.jpg )

Yes. Keep going. Feel those warm lips on your face, embrace her. She is a lady, not a beast.

(Okay, I was told on IRC I should probably make this clearer for the unaware.

Basically, this is a shameless rip-off/reanimation of Gnome's old 2-update (start and finish) thread with loads of quests. If you want to participate, feel free. The only real rule is to only participate after the current person's finished for reasons of not confusing the ever-loving fuck out of everyone.)

ElNakedo 2010/12/25(Sat)14:36 No. 266595 ID: c2c011
File 129331656712.png - (8.84KB , 545x397 , very crappy drawing.png )

You are a gritty action hero celebrating christmas with some douchebag friends of your wife. Suddenly some bunch of dickwad communist terrorists attacked.

It has been a deadly game of cat and mouse through the building, heroics and gritty acts of pure manliness have been done. But there are still more terrorists running free.

One of them is in fact coming close to your current hiding space. Your only resources is a a gun (drawn with a notable lack of talent) with only a few bullets left and the clothes on your back. And a large dose of gritty manliness of course.

What do?

Defeat him, via interpretive dance.

Wait, I've seen this movie. Arent you supposed to be barefoot? I feel like being barefoot was a plot point.

>>266595

Acquire terrorist Submachine gun. Ho Ho Ho.

ElNakedo 2010/12/25(Sat)17:24 No. 266684 ID: c2c011
File 129332665114.png - (12.62KB , 655x409 , Interpret THIS!.png )

>Defeat him, via interpretive dance.
Can you really to that to those poor terroists? Oh wait, you're a gritty action hero. Of course you can.

Flinging aside your shirt and kicking off your shoes you go into a wild movement pattern. Channeling your rage over the interupted party and the fact that you could be drunk now if not for these terrorist assholes.

Your wild hip gyrations and flinging of arms become too much for the terrorists. They are unable to handle the sheer gritty manly awesomness of what they witness, it is in fact so mindblowingly awesome that their minds are literally blown.

The day has now been saved. It's now time to hand out the presents, and it looks like Santa gave you a whole stocking full of terrorist submachine guns, looks like it's going to be a good christmas.

MidKnight 2010/12/25(Sat)17:57 No. 266698 ID: 5ed5c1
File 12933286679.png - (17.74KB , 700x700 , al11.png )

It's Christmas Eve. You're Cirr. You're browsing the web and reading old Gnome quests on your trusty Macintosh computer, precariously perched atop your tea table.

You hear a strange noise from above. What could it be?

Please recommend an action.

>>266698
Your pet robot lemon's limbs must have fallen off as it was climbing the stairs. Go catch it before it crashes into the priceless Edwardian display cabinet full of pictures of the queen.

Sigh and proceed to head back upstairs to beat your sex-slave back into submission.

Flee, because the clanking can only be the GHOST OF QUESTMUS PAST, coming to brutally murder you for respawning something as old and awesome as this. Also, the ghost is Gnome.

Ohgods this brings back so many memories...

>>266698
Probably our home-made animatronic Cyral sex doll malfunctioning again. We aren't a very good engineer.

MidKnight 2010/12/25(Sat)18:40 No. 266709 ID: 5ed5c1
File 129333121798.png - (28.77KB , 700x700 , al12.png )

You make your way up the stairs. Nope, your lemon robot appears to be fine, You can't think what could be wrong with- oh my god what is that is that Santa Claus or what the hell why does it have so many teeth oh god oh god oh god Santa is a furry and he's stealing all of your pictures of the Queen

"MURRY CHRISTMAS!"
"HO, HO, HO, AWOOOOO~~"

You've got to stop furry Santa before he reaches the Obict-O-Tron 3000!
Special extension to 3 updates because this premise is too good to pass up

Do nothing at all as you had no reason to believe there would be a third update required.

>>266709
I think the Obict-O-Tron 3000 can handle itself (herself?) against Santa.

Therefore, watch!

Well, clearly the first thing to do is get the pictures of the Queen back because I- because you really need to make sure you have photos of our GLORIOUS MONARCH at all times. You'll never pass inspection otherwise!

Clearly the only appropriate thing is to find a source of fire and apply it to this false Santfur. Find a candle and throw it at him. I- I mean, you totally have candles just lying around for such an occasion!

Also the Obict-a-tron 3000 is fine because it's equipped with self-defence lasers as part of its anti-theft systems. I totally don't know this from personal experience. I just heard of this. I'd tell you more but I have to go treat my burns again.

>>266709
Well fuck that shit. Engage in some old fashioned style fisticuffs and beat the snot out of that thing. God may save the queen, but he's busy right now so you will have to do it yourself.

I think the Queen can handle this herself.

All her portraits are required by law to have laser eyes, right? I think I saw that on the Travel Channel.

>>266718
Quite so! Marquess of Queensberry Rules, naturally.

MidKnight 2010/12/25(Sat)19:45 No. 266723 ID: 5ed5c1
File 129333511741.png - (22.09KB , 700x700 , al13.png )

Santa approaches the Obict-O-Tron 300 with a hungry, sinister look in his eye.

"ahehehe! I've been waiting for a chance to try a finished one of these out since the prototype last year."
...so that's why Beta Unit 12 stopped functioning and wouldn't respond to any queries about why. This explains so much.

As Furry Santa gets closer to the Obict-O-Tron, the machine begins to boot up.

Basic diagnostics initiated. State command.
"Ooh my, you look delicious~!. I have so many things I want to try with you, I can't wait!"
Request denied. I belong to humanObject:Cirr and to humanObject:Cirr only.
well then, we're just going to have to change that, aren't we? HO HO HO!"

MidKnight 2010/12/25(Sat)20:47 No. 266731 ID: 4531bc
File 129333883466.png - (81.92KB , 700x700 , al14.png )

The room suddenly erupts in a firestorm of lasers. Furry Santa somehow manages to dodge both the Obict-O-Tron's Collapsing High Energy Excited Spectrum Emitters, along with the eye lasers built into each and every portrait of the queen.
You, like any good English citizen, pride yourself on your collection of Queen photos. Every one is genuine, complete with built in laser modules.
As furry Santa shuffles, dodges, and somersaults his way closer to the Obict-O-Tron, you know what you must do.

MidKnight 2010/12/25(Sat)20:54 No. 266732 ID: 4531bc
File 129333926293.png - (9.23KB , 700x700 , al15.png )

"He he he. Finally! Once I activate your emergency override function -- Why did you add that feature, anyway? -- [aa]Once I activate your emergency override function, there'll be nothing you can do, little cyral! You'll squirm and scream and yiff and murr and- huh? Why isn't this working?"
Input class emergencyOverride checks for d'aww before resolution. Only cirr has sufficient cute to activate the override... ...and maybe Slinkoboy.

MidKnight 2010/12/25(Sat)20:57 No. 266733 ID: 4531bc
File 129333944271.png - (16.91KB , 700x700 , AL16.png )

"Oh murr."
You take the opportunity, and use your conveniently located VICTORIAN CANDELABRA on furry Santa to KILL IT WITH FIRE.

MidKnight 2010/12/25(Sat)21:09 No. 266738 ID: 4531bc
File 129334019988.png - (30.32KB , 700x700 , AL17.png )

The queen's pictures are lost, the building's burnt down, but everything's okay, because, after all, you have each other (also because the government pays for your housing and upkeep on Her Majesty's gallery).

This Christmas Eve was terrible. Clearly the only solution is to LEAVE TGCHAN FOREVER.

CIRR END achieved.
FURRY SLAYER achieved.
ROBOT HUGS obtained!
obtained SUPER BRITISH CLASS +42
LEVEL UP! You are now a JOLLY GOOD FELLOW
HALF-BURNT CHRISTMAS PRESENTS obtained!
You got a GIFT CARD FOR HARRODS, a NEW VIDEO GAME, and a CHEESY E-CARD!

A very merry Christmas to all of you!

Suggestion 2010/12/26(Sun)10:48 No. 266801 ID: f5e4b4
File 129338928383.png - (33.90KB , 800x600 , 354.png )

You are this motherfuckin' adventurer, and you just found this sweet locked treasure chest in the dungeon.

What do?

>>266801
Carefully check for traps.

>>266801
Attempt to unlock the chest with your sword and horribly mangle it in the process, then go home sad.

Unlock chest, receive FAIRY QUEEN.

>>266801
Declare your eternal love to the chest

Suggestion 2010/12/26(Sun)11:11 No. 266808 ID: f5e4b4
File 129339070540.png - (134.59KB , 800x600 , 136.png )

You UNLOCKED the CHEST with your SWORD, mangling it.

You released the FAIRY QUEEN.

You succeeded checking for TRAPS.

You are sure going home sad today.


WTF end ACHIEVED!

1 Sword Mangled!

1 What The Hell Are You Doing Man found!

1 Queen saved!

1 Innocence broken!

Suggestion 2010/12/26(Sun)11:34 No. 266824 ID: f5e4b4
File 12933920756.png - (65.77KB , 800x600 , 100.png )

Damn myopia, there seems to be someone at your living room, but it's too blurry to see anything.

What do?

Inventory: You're carrying

-A nickel
-A pencil
-Three firecrackers
-Some unidentified pills
-A can of gas
-Three matches
-A revolver
-A single bullet.
-A vintage Barbie doll
-Bubble gum
-Ye flask
-War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy
-Some white powder
-A clown wig
-A pair of glasses

Don't put the glasses on, it will ruin it. Just go, heeeeeeeeeeey babe.

Suggestion 2010/12/26(Sun)11:58 No. 266836 ID: f5e4b4
File 129339351421.png - (39.83KB , 800x600 , 200.png )

I don't put on my glasses and say "heeeeeeeeeeey babe"

OH GOD IT WAS A LION AND NOW IT'S EATING ME! I SHOULD'VE PUT MY GLASSES ON!


Retarded Ending achieved.

1 life lost.

1 lion poorly drawn.

>>266836
Damn poorly drawn lions and their ravenous fangs.

Typo !TEEDashxDA 2010/12/26(Sun)16:46 No. 266959 ID: e973f4
File 129341076911.png - (3.18KB , 200x200 , alotq3-1.png )

You are trying to play your INSTRUMENT OF CHOICE, but there is a PAINFUL GASH on your FRETTING HAND.

What will you do?

>>266959
A REAL MAN WOULD PLAY ANYWAYS! HARDEN UP AND PLAY IT LIKE A BOSS.

>>266959
Oh no, this is horrible. Quickly, find an unethical and insane doctor that can install a servo arm so that you can play with that one until your real one heals. With 3 arms you will then become the greatest guitarrist that has ever lived and you sweet riffs will live on forever.

Typo !TEEDashxDA 2010/12/26(Sun)17:04 No. 266966 ID: e973f4
File 129341185982.png - (4.51KB , 200x200 , bass2.png )

Undaunted by your injury, you keep playing, but order the prosthetic extra arm anyway!

Soon, your three-armed skill and lack of concern for your own health combine to allow you to become Michael "CRAZY BLEEDIN' MIKE" Harris, the third- or fourth-greatest guitarist to ever take up the instrument!

NO PAIN NO GAIN achieved!
FAME AND FORTUNE achieved!
27 CLUB (tetanus infection) achieved!

>>266966
Awesome.

LonelyWorld 2010/12/26(Sun)17:13 No. 266969 ID: d6aefc
File 129341242248.jpg - (104.71KB , 912x547 , gnoll.jpg )

You are a pretty girl gnoll

your gnoll boyfriend is cheating on you with some dragonbold hussie, what do you do?

three way.

Dude(tte), you're a GNOLL. YOU rape HIM to show your dominance and displeasure.

>>266969
The path is clear. He just gave you a free card. Find someone good looking and get busy.

>>266969
Cheat on him with the DragonBold hussie, and convince her to insult his sexual performance when he walks in on the two of you mid-coitus.

LonelyWorld 2010/12/26(Sun)17:39 No. 266984 ID: d6aefc
File 129341397954.jpg - (144.97KB , 912x547 , gnoll2.jpg )

>>266972
Rape is ALWAYS the solution!

as it turns out, the dragonbold hussie, didn't know about your BF's womanizing, and decides to join in!

+1 self esteem
+1 new friends

achievement unlocked: Gnoll rape

GOOD END!

(a bird) 2010/12/26(Sun)17:46 No. 266992 ID: f123de
File 129341437475.png - (36.52KB , 400x400 , ALOTW1_1.png )

Oh man what the hell happened last night I was at this party and I was drinking a lot of Jim Beam and I guess I passed out on the couch AND NOW I'M LOCKED IN THE BACK OF SOME WEIRD-SMELLING VAN AND IT'S MOVING. OH GOD HELP ME.

use silly bird-claws to unlock door.
It won't be overly secure cause it's for animals

>>266992

Rape yourself.

>>266992
You have skinny wrists. See if you can't reach outside and open the door.

If that doesn't work then loudly PEEP for help and don't stop until it arrives.

Use OPPOSABLE THUMBS to ESCAPE THE VAN.

Start peeping loudly.

>>266992
SING THE SONG OF YOUR PEEPLE

(a bird) 2010/12/26(Sun)18:17 No. 267007 ID: f123de
File 129341626187.png - (80.08KB , 700x400 , ALOTQ1_2.png )

I'm yelling for help as loud as I can! I managed to reach through the bars and find the handle and pull it open and OH SHIT


ESCAPE ARTIST unlocked!
MOUNTAIN CLIMBER unlocked!
obtained SEVENTY-FIVE BROKEN BONES!
SING THE SONG OF MY PEEPLE unlocked!
Furthest bounce: 37.4 feet

50/250 points scored

Suggestion 2010/12/26(Sun)18:32 No. 267009 ID: f5e4b4
File 129341717671.png - (100.30KB , 800x600 , 0000000.png )

You are The Kid, and you have to make your way to the other side of the room, for reasons you don't fully understand.

What do?

Die hundreds of times.

Become THE GUY.

>>267010
Then use your corpses as bridge.

>>267009
go into 3d mode

Think about the choices you've made that led you to this point in your life.

Realize that your desire to be The Guy is just misplaced anger due to longstanding Oedipal issues.

Start a new life selling handmade trinkets to gullible tourists on the beaches of Costa Rica.

>>267009
Go left.

Suggestion 2010/12/26(Sun)19:00 No. 267019 ID: f5e4b4
File 129341882316.png - (67.49KB , 800x600 , 0000001.png )

You die hundreds of times by the spikes until your corpses make a pile you can climb to get to the exit.

But you die anyways.


FUTILITY END ACHIEVED

0 Bandages get

635 Kids died

0 souls lost

>>267009
Make a short hop to the right and a long jump over the pillar and then cry yourself to sleep.

>>267019
THEN DO IT AGAIN

Suggestion 2010/12/26(Sun)19:05 No. 267024 ID: 2563d4
File 129341912986.gif - (23.42KB , 640x480 , ALOTQ-1-1.gif )

HOLY SHIT!

I was driving up the mountain road to visit my weird cousin Steve when this giant...thing landed in front of me! I can't just leave it here---it might cause a horrible accident!

>>267024
Call animal control!

Put it in your car and figure out how much it will sell for.

>>267024
chuck it off the side of the road, but not before looting anything useful from it

>>267024
It must be someone infected with the bird flu. Drive them to the hospital immediately!
Also the broken bones might be something worth a hospital trip.

Use a health pack on it.

>>267024
Best stick it in your car, after pulling a tarp out of the trunk for it to bleed on, and take it to an animal shelter. They can work with a wildlife rehab center to release it once it recovers.

Worst case scenario it dies on the way and you'll have 80 lbs of fried chicken.

Suggestion 2010/12/26(Sun)19:54 No. 267044 ID: 2563d4
File 129342205286.gif - (20.33KB , 640x480 , ALOTQ-1-2.gif )

I'm not even sure where the nearest medical facility is, and there's no mobile signal up here! But my conscience drives me to find medical attention, so I bundle it into the car and drive flat-out the rest of the way up the mountain to Steve's shack.

As luck would know it, he has a friend visiting who is a vet! He says he's got a very secure treatment facility in the basement and even paid me for being a good Samaritan! Wow!


PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS ending.
Nights of sleep lost: 0
Nevreans unknowingly sold: 1
Longest skid: 74 feet
Total profit: $50
CAN YOU HEAR BANJOS? unlocked!

Cirr 2010/12/29(Wed)16:49 No. 267624 ID: fa43b7
File 129367015740.png - (167.17KB , 640x480 , ALOTQ2-1.png )

You're Cirr again. As always, your last instance of QUITTING THE SITE FOREVER lasted about TWO MINUTES.

You have a stack of QUESTS piled up to your side, a stack of POTENTIAL QUEST IDEAS piled up to the other side, and NUMEROUS ROBOTS around you.

You can't stop yourself from making a new quest. You know it's a bad idea because the PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET told you so.

What can you do?

Update A Lot of Tiny Quests. It's the only way. (also, recursion)

>>267624
TIE IT TO A QUEST YOU RAN IN THE PAST, SO IT'S TECHNICALLY JUST A CONTINUATION OR SOMETHING

>>267624
Suddenly and abruptly 'bad-end' all of the current quests in a way that ties into one of the new quests.

>>267624
Hug that Cyral so hard.

>>267629
ACTUALLY THIS IS PROBABLY FUNNIER

DO THIS INSTEAD

Cirr 2010/12/29(Wed)17:29 No. 267650 ID: fa43b7
File 129367254944.png - (150.05KB , 640x480 , ALOTQ2-2.png )

You update that A Lot of Tiny Quests thread you started after STEALING GNOME'S IDEA. It was quite the challenge at the time. Ideas are rather slippery to catch. There was flypaper all over the walls... but you digress, you realise.

After updating it you go hug the Obict-O-Tron 3000. In jealousy, Kata-Bot bad ends all of your quests with a SINGLE UPDATE each.

Free from your quests, you start a NEW QUEST focusing on SILIRW CYRALS and get every single detail wrong, to the point that even the quieter suggesters call you out on it. You mysteriously vanish after seeing some orangey purplish glowy things in a shadow you don't remember being there.

MORE ROBOT HUGS achieved.
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A ROBOT SCORNED achieved.
BAD ENDS achieved.
MISUSE OF QUEST RACES achieved.
ENDED BY DESSEN END achieved.

>>267650
Oh no, now who shall make grimdark with cute characters?

Fox 2010/12/29(Wed)18:14 No. 267679 ID: f123de
File 129367525770.png - (43.92KB , 600x400 , grapes.png )

These grapes look delicious, but they're so high up!

And that stupid bird is watching me again.

What do?

Inventory:
Single-serving maple syrup packet
ACME(tm) catalog
Two (2) 50¢ pieces
Apple core
Yellow potion
Magic marker (dry)
Purple potion
Stolen passport
Box of raisins
Cat hair
Plasma rifle
Three (3) Self-adhesive emeralds

Pay the bird one 50¢ piece to get the grapes for you.

Oh dear. You've got the syrup and the cat hair but you haven't got the red hat or the gold coat. NOW how are you going to look like Mosely?

...Uh, I mean, shoot the branch with the plasma rifle.

>>267683
Shoot the BIRD with the plasma rifle. You are a fox. Meat is delicious.

>>267679
Adhere an emerald to each coin and magnetise them by hitting them with the barrel of the plasma rifle, and the third to the tip of your tail (wave this back and forth to distract the bird while performing the rest of these instructions). Order a bottle of Earthquake Pills from the ACME catalog, using the stolen passport as proof of age. Set the magic marker absorbing the purple potion. Break the now-dented plasma rifle apart for spare wiring and wind it into a coil using the apple core as a former. Connect the ends to the syrup packet and place it at the base of the tree. Pour out the Earthquake Pills and, since we're out of birdseed, cover them with a pile of raisins which have been recoloured using the yellow potion. Fold the box inside out and write "FREE FOOD" on it as a sign using the now-refilled magic marker. When the bird swallows up the whole pile and starts vibrating vigorously, attach a coin-emerald at either end and place it within the coil of plasma rifle wire. The generated power should detonate the terrible sugar-energies of the syrup and begin a sap-chain-reaction which will vapourise the tree. Quickly form a cushioning mat from the cat hair to catch the grapes.

Remove the emerald from your tail or, alternatively, enjoy your new murry-purry jewelry.

Fox 2010/12/29(Wed)19:27 No. 267708 ID: f123de
File 129367963051.png - (89.15KB , 600x400 , grapes2.png )

"Hey bird get me grapes!"

Quoth the raven, "No."

"You can have one of these shiny money!"

"Ok."

Then when he's getting the grapes I shoot him.
Man, I hated that bird.

BACKSTABBER END unlocked!
DELICIOUS GRAPES acquired!
FUCK THE RULES I HAVE MONEY achieved!
BOOM HEADSHOT achieved!

1/0 ENEMIES KILLED
0/3 SECRETS FOUND
You have never hit with a wielded weapon.
You have never genocided any monsters.
You have never polymorphed an object.
You used no wishes.
You survived.

You have unlocked Narus!

Suggestion 2010/12/30(Thu)09:53 No. 267814 ID: 2563d4
File 129373162514.gif - (21.59KB , 640x480 , ALOTQ-2-1.gif )

You are EBENEZER SCROOGE. A few nights ago you had some really restless sleep and woke up the very embodiment of Christmas goodwill and charity.

Now looking over the books, you realize that the implications of your generous debt writeoffs and other donations are that you will be completely bankrupt before the New Years' celebrations are over, leaving your faithful clerk Bob Cratchit unemployed, and Tiny Tim doomed. But to even think of going back on your words makes you feel the sickeningly constricting jangle of chains.

What do?

First off you need to look into getting a good tax attorney. If you can't figure out how to write off your recent shenanigans as a charitable donation then how the hell did you have the financial acumen to become a wealthy old miser anyway? However, this leaves you with a short-term financial deficit while waiting for your tax return.

There's only one logical solution: take up an after-hours life of charitable bank-robbing in some sort of silly costume, such as the Ghost of Christmas Present's get-up.

Sell some of your more valuable possessions to keep you running until new years, and then as the celebrations are over you go back to your old ways. Business is buisniess and christmas is christmas, if you have to be mean for you and your employee to survive then so be it.

>>267814
Only two things to do. Take out a big loan from some weakminded fool and then get into the opium trade and the colonisation buisness. That should give you some good money in the longterm.

Short term you're going to have to start up a protection racket. Get some guns, some highly flammable liquids and then start a protection racket for opium dens, use tiny Tim and his friends as hitmen/enforcers. When a opium den or 3 has burned down and everyone in them has been brutally killed you should get the rest to pay up.

Cut back on your donations while taking out a loan. Continue normal business practices until you can pay the loan off, then continue further donation-giving with moderation and a small pocket of capital to fall back on.

In other words, be Lawful Good, not Stupid Good.

Suggestion 2010/12/30(Thu)12:13 No. 267834 ID: 2563d4
File 129374001560.gif - (17.48KB , 640x480 , ALOTQ-2-2.gif )

You sell some of your meager possessions, your frugality not affording much in the way of material pleasantries, to bankroll a small criminal operation and set to work, telling yourself that you're only working to undermine the inhumane practices of some of your past colleagues; a modern-day Robin Hood, as it were.

Imminent disaster averted, you tone down both your previously gouging business practices and your recent charitable exuberance to sustainable levels. When the last of your years expire, you leave a moderate but stable and well-respected financial firm in the hands of Bob Cratchit.

The building is later repurposed as a trendy wine bar.

VAGUELY SENSIBLE END achieved!
+1 PRAGMATISM
-1 PONDEROUS CHAINS
+1 BAFFLEMENT over the infamous Christmas Robberies to a very young Sherlock Holmes

Slinkoboy 2010/12/31(Fri)19:29 No. 268132 ID: 6547ec
File 129385258343.png - (127.69KB , 600x450 , gnoll 3.png )

You are a hardboiled and extremely grimdark male gnoll who has been betrayed by your LOVED ONE. Okay, technically you did it first, but she took things TOO FAR.

On a completely unrelated note, you now have METAL PANTS.

You slap your fist into your palm as you declare that she must PAY. But how?

Kick her through time and space with your mighty Metal Crotch Thrust!

>>268132
Take control of the tribe by defeating the current chieftain, and then have her publicly humiliated in some fashion and maybe exiled.

>>268132

Get her stuck in a room with you and tell her she cannot leave until she gets through your pants

>>268132
Attempt to reconcile your relationship with her through the medium of talking through its failure and, most importantly, hugs.

>>268135
>>268136

Both of these at the same time.

>>268132
Get drunk and engage in drunken slander behind her back. Surefire way.

>>268132
Eat her fucking name.

Slinkoboy 2011/01/01(Sat)03:44 No. 268204 ID: 6547ec
File 129388225032.png - (127.16KB , 600x450 , gnoll 4.png )

>>268137
You trap her in a room and tell her the only way out is through your pants! She remarks that she's already been there and it was not a fun trip.

You both exchange verbal blows at the expense of each other's sexual performance and low placement in the caste until finally having a moment of silence. You hug her and softly tell her you're sorry. The dragonbold caught you in a moment of weakness and you never meant to hurt her.

She pauses and then hugs back, saying she guesses they're even now. You tell her it will take time, but you would like to work hard to save this relationship. She agrees.

Slinkoboy 2011/01/01(Sat)03:49 No. 268205 ID: 6547ec
File 129388256810.png - (120.45KB , 600x450 , gnoll 5.png )

>>268133
PSYCH BITCH!!! You suddenly thrust at her with such power and ferocity that she is thrown into a hole in spacetime!

>>268172
You eat the shit out of her name! You call out saying that's what she gets and you hope somebody names her "Ed" or something! Because it's a boy's name! Yeah! ZING!

NON-SLINKOBOY END GET
OBTAINED: HUG UNDER FALSE PRETENSES
OBTAINED: SNEAKY BOOB-GRAB
OBTAINED: AN EGG NAMED THE "TIME SWITCH"
1/1 BITCHES PUNKED
2/3 GRIMDARK MOMENTS
1/1 HELL YEAH
SCORE: TOZOL

EARNED ACHIEVEMENT: DO AN UPDATE IN LESS THAN 5 IMAGES