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File 137088816864.png - (9.18KB , 650x650 , e3.png )
515986 No. 515986 ID: 52c28e

You are BRETT MCSELLOUT, and you're about to go up on the world stage to present Microsoft's "CALL OF HALLWAY: BLOOM RUSSIANS 5: MECH BOAT EDITION" on the new XBONE to the audience here at E3. You are incredibly nervous. You are here to talk about how good the game is, but you forgot all your lines because you are so nervous! You stand there, paralyzed in fear.

You gotta do something, fast, or Microsoft's gonna have your head!
Expand all images
>>
No. 515989 ID: 1f8505

TALK ABOUT THE CLOUD AND HOW GREAT IT IS ON THE XBONE
>>
No. 515990 ID: 3e4b6e

Make sure your body is Reggie for this.
>>
No. 515991 ID: de9231

Get the crowd on your side! Call out "HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO HALLWAY ON A BOAT!?"
>>
No. 515992 ID: b14973

say something vague about dogs
>>
No. 515995 ID: 9a7051

Talk about smartglass
>>
No. 515996 ID: 0f4dad

Make sure to mention the amazing allways on retinal scanner that lets you hunt for known terrorists in your own home!
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No. 515998 ID: 52c28e
File 137088875658.png - (8.92KB , 650x650 , e3-2.png )
515998

The lights dim to almost complete darkness as the intercom starts up.

"And here to talk about our most recent, INNOVATIVE game, is Brett McSellout!"

In the back of the room, a few of your coworkers cheer and go wild. No one else really does.

"Uhh... uh... HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO HALLWAY ON A BOAT?"

Your coworkers absolutely lose their shit.

"WELL NOT YOU CAN! With our, uh, INNOVATIVE cloud computing system dubbed the, uh, the DOG BONE, we can, um, register ADVANCED HALLWAYS in realtime with an INNOVATIVE roguelike procedural generation system!"

SHIT BRETT YOU'RE LOSING THEM.
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No. 515999 ID: 3e4b6e

Talk about your new partnership with Sweat Mt and Boritos.
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No. 516001 ID: b14973

>>515998
let's be honest here, you never really had them to begin with.
>>
No. 516003 ID: 0f4dad

Quick mention the allways on motion capture system. You can boat while you boat!
>>
No. 516004 ID: 5869f6

The multiplayer, FOR GOD'S SAKE MENTION THE MULTIPLAYER
>>
No. 516007 ID: f595d3

Game journalists love animals, only one course reveals itself.

"MULTIPLAYER DOGS! EVERYONE IS DOGS!"
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No. 516008 ID: 52c28e
File 137088986690.png - (60.99KB , 650x650 , e3-3.png )
516008

"NOW UH let's, uh talk about our INNOVATIVE new partnership with Sweat Mt. and Boritos! We're offering an exclusive deal in which YOU, yes, YOU can funnel UNLIMITED AMOUNTS of delicious Sweat Mt. Lime Burst and Boritos Taco Flavored Boritos into your mouth as you play our latest desert-wandering simulator Halo 5!"

The crowd gives a half-hearted cheer, the notion of snack foods seeming to lift their spirits. But despite that, your SWEAT LEVELS are reaching critical! You may have to dab yourself off.

Your boss screams at you through the little microphone dealie on the side of your head.

"TALK ABOUT THE GAME, YOU MORON!"
>>
No. 516009 ID: 19b3c3

Talk about the always on bloom hallway connection. Your system will share blooms with your friends even when you can't play, and you'll always have access to buy DLC boats! That's more than worth any inconvenience, right?
>>
No. 516010 ID: 0f4dad

Talk about the inovative new motion sickness simulator that lets you feel like you are on the boat all the time!
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No. 516011 ID: 55c4cf

just take a dump and order the crossbone to clean it up, then talk about watching tv on the toilet.
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No. 516013 ID: 0eef61

Talk about the smartgass integration that lets you play the game with your flatulence
>>
No. 516016 ID: 5eea01

Is this where you talk about PROJECT FART or is it after BREAD RISING 3?
>>
No. 516018 ID: e31ca1

Talk about the INNOVATIVE post processing effects!
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No. 516020 ID: 52c28e
File 137089169573.png - (57.65KB , 650x650 , e3-4.png )
516020

"A-ALWAYS ON," you choke you. "The Xbox one will have an ALWAYS-ON system, allowing YOU to share your blooms and hallway experiences even when YOU CAN'T PLAY, and BOAT WHILE YOU BOAT with our exclusive day-one download boat DLC anytime, all with our MOTION SICKNESS SIMULATOR so you can feel the boat boat while you boat boats!"

You can see a few yawns (except for your always-enthusiastic collaborators). Time to break out the big guns.

"MULTIPLAYER!" You yell. Most of the audience perks their heads up.

"DOG-BASED MULTIPLAYER! YOU ARE ALL DOGS!"

A cheer! And not just from your paid co-workers, but from the younger audience and the ones in the backward baseball caps.

[b]"DOG-BASED KILLSTREAKS! DOGS ON BOATS! BITE OUT THROATS IN REAL-TIME WITH THE KINECT PLATFORM!" You shake your head violently as the screen shows a dog tearing some Russian's throat out, giving yourself a good bit of whiplash in the process. They're LOVING it!

I guess it's time to wrap it up, here. How are you gonna finish?
>>
No. 516021 ID: 3e4b6e

Mention the low price of the system!
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No. 516022 ID: 9043e8

Give them a lowdown on the tablet integration of this sucker.
>>
No. 516024 ID: 2d9be8

Talk about those new havok physics and how they let everything explode into chunks! Chunks of hallway! Chunks of boat! Chunks of dog! Chunks of gun! Chunks of bloom! All in realtime thanks to cloud processing!
>>
No. 516025 ID: f595d3

"Every dog loves ... THE XBONE!"

"Thank you Good night! im Brett alwaysonlinenousedgamespaymorefeeMCsellout! its been great!"

Then run like hell before they work out what you just said.
>>
No. 516027 ID: 9043e8

Pump some artificial cheering into the crowd to get them more hyped up.
>>
No. 516030 ID: 35edd4

Masturbate.
>>
No. 516031 ID: 19b3c3

Your pièce de résistance- a special port to integrate and connect their own dogs into the game for a full on immersive experience.
>>
No. 516034 ID: 0eef61

SOCIAL
MEDIA
NETWORKING
>>
No. 516038 ID: 52c28e
File 137089364739.png - (11.50KB , 650x650 , e3-5.png )
516038

"You can integrate tablets, you can integrate dogs, you can integrate boats with your tablets! You can tell your friends over your favorite social media websites; Facebook, twitter, Reddit; about how much you are integrating with CALL OF HALLWAY: BLOOM RUSSIANS 5: MECH BOAT EDITIOn! Use our DOGPORT to connect your DOG TO THE GAME for a FULL IMMERSIVE EXPERIENCE! All compatible with Windows 8! Also compatible is the Havok physics engine! Everything is chunks! Chunks of hallway! Chunks of boat! Chunks of dog! Chunks of gun! Chunks of bloom! All in realtime thanks to our INNOVATIVE cloud processing!"

You hammer the HYPE BUTTON behind your back. The room is flooded with cheers, 90% of which is artificial. But it is cheering nonetheless!
>>
No. 516040 ID: 52c28e
File 137089367261.png - (43.93KB , 650x650 , e3-6.png )
516040

b]"AND THAT'S WHAT WE HAVE FOR YOU TONIGHT FOLKS. Every dog loves ... THE XBONE! For only four hundred and ninety niiiiineee...[b]"

The world slows around you. You can feel every keyboard in north america pump with unfettered outrage at the 500 US dollar pricetag. The percussive rhythm of the keys are like wardrums to your ears. Wardrums signalling the march of a million angry men, outraged at the price, marching on through the internet.

Time to make your exit.
>>
No. 516041 ID: 52c28e
File 137089371621.png - (50.87KB , 650x650 , e3-7.png )
516041

"Thank you and good night! I'm Brett alwaysonlinenousedgamespaymorefeeMcSellout! It's been great!"

You make for the window as the audience tries to understand what just happened.
>>
No. 516042 ID: 52c28e
File 137089372725.png - (8.89KB , 650x650 , e3-8.png )
516042

>>
No. 516043 ID: 735f4f

Knocked it out of the park there. Put me down for three pre-orders.
>>
No. 516052 ID: 7e8516

lol that was great.
>>
No. 516063 ID: 5869f6

hahahaahah i dont even know what the fuck
>>
No. 516176 ID: 1f8505

TOO BAD THE PSQUAD REMAINS SUPERIOR
>>
No. 516202 ID: 982b33

I can't wait for the release date.
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